Ask Fay: on jealousy, emotional eating, dealing with overwhelm, keeping a wedding small, getting unstuck while studying

How do I not be jealous of my siblings who are married/ have kids etc.. I feel like a loser.

Hey, my dearest! By realizing that not being married YET or having kids YET does not make you a loser!!!
Everyone has a unique timeline that is preordained by God and our job is to make our journey with our timeline as awesome as possible. Easier said than done? Absolutely! 
I want you to realize that feeling like a loser is a choice and it only feels like a default response to you because you are not realizing the gifts, talents, and contributions you are bringing to the world in your current single state. 
I want you to meditate on all the awesomeness you possess and contribute to the world. I want you to work every day on making your journey enjoyable and purposeful while allowing your pain and struggle to be present because EVERY life journey endures pain and struggle.
Now is your time to practice balancing enjoying life while having pain and struggle because you guessed it - when you're married with kids you will ALSO need to balance enjoying life and enduring pain and struggle. No one and no life stage is immune. #facts 
Next, let's address the jealousy.
When we're jealous - there's always another feeling that we're after.
It's not the jealousy that is bothering you but rather you are imagining that the other person is experiencing certain positive emotions and you want to experience those emotions too. That's so OK and human!
1/ Try to identify what feelings are underlying the jealousy you feel. You do this by naming the feelings you imagine the married siblings with children feel.
2/ Then see if and how you can increase those feelings in your current life. Most often you have access to those feeling states you just need to get creative or simply bring intention to the gifts your life currently affords you. 
If for example, you are jealous because you imagine they feel unconditionally loved by a spouse and children, then you are yearning for unconditional love. You can learn to give that to yourself and likely get it from others all around you too. 
3/ Proceed to name all the emotional states this specific jealousy is attached to and see how you can access a version of that emotional state in your current life and/or allow yourself to feel sad about not yet getting to experience that. 
I hope this helps, I am rooting for you and sending you a hug and a huge dose of unconditional love. xo

Ні, I really enjoy your status. I'm a busy mother and find myself having regulation issues and emotional eating issues. I was wondering if u know of group style coaching or therapy that would help me. I think a group would be best so we can support each others min to min based on what we learn

It's so impressive that as a busy mom, you are not losing yourself but rather recognizing your tendencies and wanting to get the help and support you deserve and desire. 
I don't think we currently have providers on the platform who offer groups for this specifically but I am sharing here because perhaps others can share some resources. 
I do know that working individually with a therapist or coach can be super helpful and if that's something you would consider we have a lot of options. 
I am so glad you appreciate the OKclarity status and thank you for being here. I believe in you and I am rooting for you!

Thank you for this amazing platform! How to deal with overwhelmedness?

I would start by realizing that feeling overwhelmed is a normal feeling that all humans experience throughout their lives and that it's just a feeling! It comes and it goes. 
When I feel overwhelmed I zoom out and zoom in. 
I zoom out by realizing that whatever I am overwhelmed with doesn't really matter in the big picture. Life is long and whether I get ABC done or not is not gonna make it or break it. Sometimes taking a 5-minute walk helps me zoom out in this way and gives me a fresh perspective along with some delicious fresh air. 
Once I zoomed out and have an adjusted healthier perspective, I zoom in and choose one tiny (the smallest, easiest) task to focus on. I may even take a sticky note and write that one task down (to reinforce to my brain that that's all I need to focus on right now) and then proceed to do it. Usually doing something small in the direction of my goals or whatever is creating the overwhelm is enough to break the ice and then I have some more momentum to tackle the next item more calmly. 
I hope this helps and I am rooting for you! Also, thank you for the feedback, and thank you for being here!

How to keep your engagement/wedding small. I hate big crowds

I totally hear you! I would want a smaller more intimate wedding too although I don't know if my wish will be fulfilled either :-)
I would recommend and encourage you to speak with all parties involved and explain your desire along with an explanation. Then proceed to compromise. Compromising is a great way to start off what will hopefully be a loving, understanding, and healthy relationship. I hope this helps and sending you a huge mazal tov!

How to get unstuck when studying for midterms?

My favorite way to get unstuck is to take a break.

A break can be a bathroom break, a snack break, or short nap, a funny clip you watch, a 5min walk outside (my favorite!) or anything else that removes you from the studying and ideally gets you some fresh air or changes your breathing patterns ex, laughing!
Also, you can use my zoom-out and zoom-in method shared above.
Zoom out to reduce anxiety and realize an exam is just that and not that important in the scheme of things. Zoom in to focus on the next 1 page of notes and then proceed.
Give yourself breaks often. Studies have shown that 90 minutes is the most common max time most human beings can focus so be sure to give yourself a significant break after studying for 90 minutes. If 90 minutes feels like way too long then give yourself a short break every 20-30 minutes or so. 
Remember grades don't define you. I am rooting for you and I believe in you!

About the author

Fay Brezel, LMHC

Therapist, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, LMHC

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

  • 🎯 Direct
  • 💙 Warm
  • 💪 Challenging
  • 💡 Solution-oriented

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