This past week in the counting of the omer, we focused on the power of Gevura, which is all about inner strength, discipline, respectfulness. So it's a good time to talk about establishing healthy boundaries for your relationship's success.
There are often outside voices that seep into your private relationship and brew toxicity.
Here are a few examples:
Your Single & Divorced Friends
If you are married, be aware that your friend who has never been married is almost always going to think your normal marital issues are extreme and that you should bail. And your divorced friend typically tends to unconsciously want to confirm their own personal life and relationship choices as the proper course of action.
Your Family
Your family are likely to be understandably biased when it comes to your relationship thereby rendering their opinion and advice futile. To make matters worse, whatever you share with family will be remembered by them long after it's forgotten by you. You’ll be over it a month later. They might hang onto it for a decade.
Negative People
It's important to understand who’s playing a less-than-positive role in your relationship. Commit to keeping that person’s energy out of it. When unsure about someone, withhold from sharing. Your hesitation indicates that you aren’t comfortable bringing this person into your intimate inner world.
WHAT ACTUALLY WORKS
The truth is that most people (including therapists and coaches) don’t hold the answers to your problems and your struggles. They tend to get wrapped up in the story you’re telling. They don’t recognize when you're exaggerating or leaving out context-altering details in order to “make your point”. And they lack the understanding and tools to actually help you change patterns and make a lasting shift.
Where To Turn:
Don't search out a sympathetic ear; find a proven track record.
Stop looking at the degrees on the wall and start looking for tangible, game-changing results.
Someone who has a proven track record for improving relationships in a way that is "night and day". Someone who doesn’t get sucked into the story you tell. Someone who doesn’t validate your venting because it’s easy.
Whether it’s a therapist, coach, Rabbi, Rebbetzin, mentor, they need to have moved the needle for people in the real world.
Here on OKClarity, look at the testimonials. Find ones that convey problems that were similar to what you’re presently experiencing. Does it seem from the testimonial that they got game-changing help from the therapist or coach? Or does it sound like fluff that was written just to be nice?
Was the couple actually moved from a state of disconnect to a state of connection? From dysfunction to a state of harmony?
If the testimonials are rich in results for a problem or situation you’re presently experiencing, then that’s probably a good person for you to invest in.
Much success!
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