1. Safety
She can be upset and you stay steady. She can raise an issue and you don't collapse or retaliate. She can say “no” and nothing in you lashes out at her for it. Her “no” might result in natural consequences, but not in an emotional punishment.
When your level of inner peace is calmer and deeper than hers, she softens, lets go and can melt into you. But if she has to manage your moods, she can't relax. And a woman who can't relax will not be open, flowy, vulnerable, and feminine.
Most men hear "safety" and think it means “niceness” and accommodating. That is a big mistake. Appeasement is not safety. It's a man fearing his woman’s response and adjusting who he is for her approval. That actually gives her the sense that you’re not really who you are presenting yourself to be. Real safety comes to a woman from a man who is not afraid of her reaction.
2. Polarity
If you consistently defer, look for her permission, or compromise your edge for her comfort, you are abandoning your masculinity and the male-female charge between the two of you flattens. She stops feeling like a woman beside a man, and starts feeling like a manager beside a dependent. That doesn’t result in respect or admiration — and it certainly won’t breed attraction. It’s actually logistics. And when logistics take the place of attraction, a sense of exhaustion, neutrality, disrespect, disappointment, and resentment set in for the woman.
Polarity returns when you lead without needing her sign-off. You decide, you move, you hold a direction, and you stay open to her input without making your direction hostage to it. We are not talking about you becoming a dictator. Just that the higher side of her wants a man who knows who he is and where he’s going; a man that is actually in the driver’s seat of his life and his emotional state, so she can stop gripping the wheel.
Emotional Master or Mastered by Emotions?
This is something a lot of people don’t understand. They think women want a man that is “in touch with his emotions”. And that is true. They do want that. But they don’t want a man that is emotional.
“In touch with his emotions” means he is emotionally intelligent. He is conscious of his emotions and has a mastery over his emotions. He is bigger than his emotions. This is attractive to a woman. This is what can respect and lean into. “Emotional” means he is owned by his emotions. His emotions are bigger than him. He loses himself to his momentary feeling. This awakens fear in a woman. She can’t respect it. This is the guy who she will tell to “Be a man”. She can’t be attracted to this guy.
Ironically, the higher side of the woman desires that she should not be able to “own” her man. She wants that he should not be emotionally “taken for a ride” by her momentary emotional state. She desires for him to have mastery over his purpose, direction, and responses, so that she can’t move him at the core of who he is. When this is her experience, she can trust him, feel emotional safety, respect, admiration and desire.
Presence with a Center
So polarity is not coldness, and it is not games. It is presence with a center. You stay warm, but you have a mission that isn't her. You have friendships, standards, ideals, aspirations, and a body you take care of. That is what makes being chosen by you and living a life with you valuable, worthwhile, and mean something.
Notice what safety and polarity have in common. They can’t be “performed”, and they are not a “technique”. They are the outcome of having your own center. A man with a center is steady, so she feels safe. He leads from his own direction and he has a life she doesn't fully hold, so there is polarity.
That is why date nights and communication tools are useful and needed, but they aren’t enough. They give her an aspect of what she needs to connect with you, but they are not the whole story. Who you are and how you present yourself, respond, and relate is the foundation and what is paramount to capture her respect, admiration, alignment, interest, excitement, attraction, and desire.
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