You Love What You Can't Stand

Men often complain that their wife's emotional fluctuation drives them crazy. And women are not shy about how their husband's choices frustrate them.

Usually this leads to attempts at manipulating the spouse to change. The guy tries to get his wife to be more "rational", and the gal tries to get her husband to be more "responsible"?

If they are successful, things actually get WORSE in the relationship.

The guy feels like his wife is less zestful and feminine, and the gal feels her husband is less assertive and masculine.

Here are two examples:

• A wife gets emotional and upset because her husband came home late without calling. He feels overwhelmed by her reaction and thinks, “Why can’t she just be calm and logical?” But the same emotional sensitivity that frustrates him is also what makes her deeply caring, affectionate, and connected in the relationship. If he shuts that part of her down, he eventually loses the warmth and passion he once loved.

• A husband decides to take a financial risk or make a firm parenting decision that his wife strongly disagrees with. She feels frustrated and thinks, “Why can’t he be more flexible and listen?” But the same decisiveness and confidence that frustrate her in that moment are also what make him feel grounded, protective, and dependable to her. If he suppresses that side of himself completely, she may eventually feel like the strength and leadership she was drawn to has disappeared.

So what IS the solution when your wife is fluctuating emotionally or when your husband is not making the choices you think appropriate?

The answer is that the guy must learn to dance with the feminine, and the gal must learn to dance with the masculine.

See beyond the present moment and recognize that the thing that you like and are attracted to and the thing that's driving you crazy or frustrating you are actually two sides of the same coin. If you manage to get him/her to suppress the side that you don't like, you lose the side that you do like. And when you lose the side that you like, you feel like there is nothing left of the connection and relationship that you originally felt — and that's when real trouble in the relationship sets in.
 
I emphasize this concept with couples as I bring them from a place of unhealthy cycles and disconnect to healthy patterns, respectfulness, care and emotional intimacy. Reach out if this sounds relevant to your life and relationship. We can bring your marriage to a whole new level of respect and closeness.