I've been having lately lots of arguments with my mother and we haven't been getting along and it's been making me very sad. I used to get along with her really well and now I want advice or how to along again? I don't know why we aren't getting along.
I'm sorry you're struggling this way.
The good news is that you used to get along with your mother which means that there's so much hope for things to get back to the way they were or maybe even better.
Also, it makes so much sense that struggling in a relationship that is meaningful to you would cause you to feel sad. It's commendable that you're allowing yourself to feel your feelings and that you have the self awareness to connect your feelings to a relationship dynamic that took a turn south.
Now, I don't know much about your relationship dynamic - both during the time you were doing well with mom and now when you're struggling but I'm going to share a few thoughts in the hope that one or more resonate.
I/ you shared that you're having a lot of arguments.
I'm wondering if you can investigate whether they revolve around a specific topic or topics and perhaps you need to get More self understanding/ clarity around that topic on your own so that it's not as ignitable when in conversation with mom.
Often when we argue with others on a topic it's bec we ourselves have some unresolved business within our own self understanding on that issue. We want our loved ones to echo and reaffirm our standpoint so we can reassure ourselves and when they don't we get upset at them and upset ourselves - the latter usually projected as unwarranted extra anger at the other party. Not saying this is the case - but perhaps something to think about.
2/ another point on the arguments
Often when we want to decrease the amount of arguing we do it can be helpful to ask ourselves a few simple questions before we get carried away into a deep argument:
Do I want to be right or do I want to happy?
Does there need to a right party here?
Can we both be right in different ways?
Is it a gray area - no right and wrong?
Can we lovingly agree to disagree?
3/ it is important to remember the three H's.
When we're struggling and are vulnerable with a loved one or even simply communicating with a loved we are usually looking for one of 3 H's.
We want to be HELPED as in given advice, we want to be HEARD, as in just listened to with love and empathy or we want to be HUGGED, as in we're not interested in advice and we don't want to do much talking, an embrace in that moment is worth more than all words or wisdom.
This is important and practical because it's likely that when your mom is speaking with you she's looking tor one type of H and isn't get it and of when your trying to connect with her you're looking for one type of H and not getting it.
This leads to frustration at best and a spiral of resentment at worst if it's ongoing
The good news is that you can communicate what you're looking for and model that to teach your mom to do the same.
4/ you shared that you're not sure why you're not getting along. If that's the case I would encourage you to have a calm respectful convo with mom - preferably in person to discuss your thoughts and feelings.
Before having that conversation perhaps share with mom that you just want her to listen and hold space for you if that's the H you need at that time. If you want or need something else - ask for it and do the same for mom when it's her turn whether that's in that conversation or another one.
5/ last but not least, remember that all relationships have periods of tension - it's normal! How we work thru that tension is what make us who we are and what makes the relationship one we hopefully cherish forever. So try not to freak out, write your mom off or mourn the relationship you once had. Be open to something refreshed and revived after working thru this rough patch on your own and with mom. You got this and we're rooting for you!
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