Unleashing Your Masculinity: 5 Steps to Becoming A Healthy Jewish Man with Dr. Benson Fox, Coach

Live on Instagram @okclarity on Jul 18 at 9:00 p.m. Eastern Time

ASK Fay: How can I feel empowered - not victimized?

How can I feel empowered and not victimized when s/t that I x like happens. I'm not thrilled at all w paying for this, and have a lot of resentment/anger etc for being helpless. 

I feel so helpless and more empowered? Why does e/t cost??

Ok first off - I'm inspired by how you phrased this question. While I can sense the pain in your words, I can't help but notice how you took the time to reflect on how this is a theme you experience often in your life versus viewing it as a slight that was done to you personally. This my dear is already one step away from victimhood and into empowerment. So please give yourself credit for that!

Now let's try to address what you asked here.

The way to go from victimhood to empowerment really starts with self awareness and self reflection. Which you already demonstrated a healthy dose of!

We are all faced with things we don't like on a daily/ weekly/monthly basis and our first human reaction might be to take it personally which is a victim mindset.

But if we watch ourselves having those thoughts and feelings we can reframe that experience and challenge ourselves to see from as many angles as we possibly can.

Doing so, will help neutralize all these different perspectives and empower you to choose the ones that feel best. So victim angle might be one, as in "why did he/she do this to me."Empowerment angle might start with a question of how might be this be FOR me?" You might realize using this example that "wow, now I can actually ask a question AND get answered! Instead of all those times I felt frustrated that I wasn't answered!" How empowering is that!!??

Another point I want to address here is how you view yourself in this question as "helpless". I wonder why you see yourself as such and I want to encourage you to challenge that and start to find evidence of the opposite as often as you can!

Even in this micro scenario - you state that you feel helpless while making a decision to pay Sio to be seen, feel heard, and get answered. While most observers might view you as someone who is determined, savvy, and capable of getting their desires met in an adaptive way.

I'm wondering if the anger and frustration you feel is largely at yourself - for feeling "helpless" which contradicts the enormous power and capacity deep down you know and believe you have within you.

Sometimes having a strong contradiction within the way we view ourselves can madden us.

Now, I much prefer you're angry with me than at yourself so I'm not sharing this to deflect any anger towards me. I can handle it all. But my true hope is that this insight if it resonates, helps you work through this self-image contradiction you may have with self-compassion for yourself and negate the self-anger (if I'm accurate) in the process.

As I'm sure you know, not everything costs but some things, many things, do.

I'm actually a believer in the philosophy that "what you pay for, you pay attention to" and while that was not a motivating factor in charging for the amas - I do believe it's a value add in the long run.

As you might know, charging $10 a question is not making the receiver rich or the payer poor but so far it does solve every issue I raised in my previous post about the AMA challenges we've had.

On top of that, I'm enjoying spending these last 30 minutes answering your question with depth, knowing that it's super important to you - the asker.

Knowing that maybe 5 of those minutes were financially compensated for doesn't make me feel guilty :)

Finally, I'll leave you with an affirmative I love.

The world is conspiring to make you a success. The universe is conspiring to help you. Hashem loves you and has your back always.

I hope some if not all of what I shared resonates and that you take it all with love and gratitude as intended. Xo

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About the author

Fay Brezel, LMHC

Therapist, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, LMHC

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

  • 🎯 Direct
  • 💙 Warm
  • 💪 Challenging
  • 💡 Solution-oriented

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