Many things my dad does get me irritable. Loud chewing/ crunching/talking loudly on the phone. I'm super sensitive to noises. He gets angry at me fast. This creates a tense environment and causes me to get more anxious. I can't say anything it'll bother him also would be a lack of respect.. tips?
This is a great question and I'm so glad you reached out to ask!
Let's unpack it together.
The first thing I want to share is that this sounds really challenging. I also want to remind you that it's really common for people to struggle with home environments and family and parental dynamics. You're not alone.
Our family and home is meant to be a workshop where we are challenged to refine our middos and become our best selves - the things we struggle with are never a mistake they're there precisely there for us.
The first thing I want to point out is your struggle with noise. There's something called misophonia which is a hatred of sound where people struggle with certain human noises from one or a select few poeple in their life. I'm not saying you have this disorder but it's something to think about with a pro and if you have a spectrum of it explore ways to manage it.
Rest assured - It is manageable.
My mom treats clients who struggle with this and she did a part one of two video on the topic about a year ago. I'll link it here for you to listen to as I believe it'll help you determine where you fall on the spectrum and also help you feel less alone.
Misophonia part 1: Watch it here!
I'm not going to share ways to manage misophonia bec I'm not an expert in it and bec we don't even know if that's the issue at hand.
However, I'd like to share a few ways to help you manage the stressful environment created by this dynamic etc.
how are you being consistently proactive in your daily life to bring down your anxiety? Are you taking a 5 min morning walk, listening to some soothing music.
Before you know you're going to see or be interacting with your dad it's important to ensure that you did your part in managing your anxiety and stress so that your stress levels don't peak from the dad triggers.
If you're stress levels are already at a 7 out of 10 bec your starving, running on a adrenaline, dehydrated, didn't have any time to connect to yourself etc when dad presents a trigger it's going to take you to a 1o or il and your internal or external reaction will be as if he triggered you to go from o-10 when that's not the case. If you were at a stress level of 2 he may have triggered you to a 5 but that's still a fairly manageable stress level that's a lot easier to deal with. Make sense?
2/ assuming you can try to implement step 1- I'd suggest step 2 being that you have a few go to skills to turn to when you're triggered. Ex. Popping in headphones with your favorite podcast or music, going out for a stroll, calling a friend, walking to a nearby grocery etc.
3/ you said you can't say anything bec he would get upset and bec you want to be respectful-which I highly admire. At the same time, depending on your relationship with him there are ways you can speak to him - while keeping respect in mind - it's all about how you say it. If you're going to speak with him I'd recommend it coming at a time when you're both calm, it's peaceful and private, you use I statements and you know what you're intention is from the conversation.
Meaning, you're intention can't be that he doesn't chew or speak on the phone in your presence bec I take it you know that's unreasonable :) but if it's something else that's more reasonable or if it's simply to share that you struggle with noise levels and you want him to understand you then by all means a conversation can be healing and important.
4/ 2 of my favorite very practical ways to deal with people who present a trigger or push the wrong buttons
A) to start every day by listing out (talking to myself at least 5 things I love or respect about them. I know this might sound basic or impossible depending on who this person is to you but I promise the benefits of this exercise is numerous.
You will begin to have a different feeling in your heart for your dad and the triggers will sting less.
B) say a short prayer for them. It can be your own words or a Perek of tehillim you know by heart.
This is so powerful bec it's prayer so of course it's powerful but also bec gifting others increases our love for them and what better gift is there than saying a prayer for someone?
Last but certainly not least, the mitzvah of honoring our parents is one of the most difficult in the Torah which is also why it's the one that is associated with the most rewards. We get promised a long life full of every blessing if we do this mitzvah well and of course every effort we extend counts in Gods eyes. Even the fact that this is what you're struggle is and what you chose to ask and get help with is treasured by Hashem.
So please realize that every effort you extend moving forward is a mitzvah and will bring you ultimate blessing. It's not supposed to be an easy mitzvah to keep at all times. So don't beat yourself up for the struggle and if you fall, apologize to Dad apologize to Hashem and move on with your next attempt at doing better. You got this and I'm rooting for you!
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Comment (1)
In regard to misophonia, I would like to share that a proper differential diagnosis would look at sensory, motor, biochemical and emotional factors. Best,
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