I'm 35 & don't have my driver's license. Parents didnt drive so thought " no way to practice." & " live in Brooklyn & dont need it." Now, so hard for me because so much of my sense of self efficacy & esteem is invested in it so the pressure backfires.  Feel like a failure. Need to do it b4 l die

Oh dear! I hear you. And I'm sorry you have so much angst around this.It sounds to me like not having the driving status is bothering you more than not having the ability to drive which intrigues me.

Whenever I'm faced with these questions personally and professionally I like to think invertedly which led me to ponder - which type of people don't drive and are not ashamed about it, maybe even proud of it?

Immediately I thought about some multimillionaires and billionaires I know and how they don't drive because they have a chauffeur and they're certainly not ashamed of that. Yes maybe they have their license, maybe not. Who knows and it doesn't seem to matter.

I share this, not bec I think you have a chauffeur lol but because i want to drive home the point that the shame and fear and "failure feeling" is completely self induced and self fabricated based on thinking that not driving at the young age of 35 is somehow dysfunctional or shameful. It's NOT. In fact, based on the little you shared about your history it makes sense that it wasn't a priority years ago and now somehow resurfaced coupled with fear and shame which made it snowball into a monster of sorts.

So, before I offer any further practical advice I want you to consciously work on challenging the notion that it's shameful and see if for what it is = A challenge you want to undertake and overcome.

Removing the shame and how you attach it to your self worth - from the equation will make your goal of driving not only more achievable but also more of a fun experiential challenge that you'll want to remember.

Our minds are so powerful so please don't allow yours to abuse you.

Now for the more practical advice.

I/ if you feel like the driving has become a phobia - work with a pro who treats these phobias to help you overcome it. I promise it's overcome able.

2/ if it's still at a place where you can self help your way thru it start by making a hierarchy of everything you'd need to do to make this dream a reality.

Take out a pc of paper and at the bottom of it write - drive highways and long distance by myself. That might be the ultimate goal or at least the ultimate fear (if you don't want to ever do that!)

Above that sentence write the thing that proceeds that in difficultly. Maybe drive on a highway with a friend etc. if you keep working your way up this paper the top of your page should start with something like get the info on studying for my permit if you need that).

Although you started creating this list from the bottom - when you actually start working thru it you start from the top - at the easiest first step and build momentum working your way down.

3/ Also, before you actually work thru this list I want you to work on understanding your WHY for this desire. Is it just because you feel shame around not driving and want to prove to yourself that you're not a failure or is it because you truly want to drive and to enjoy the experience and the sense of freedoms it provides?

If your whole motivation is to extinguish feelings of failure I would recommend exploring that first bec there's a good chance that A) as soon as you achieve this goal you'll find another thing that reinforces that failure shame feeling B) you may not have an easy time achieving the goal bec the motivation is on shaky ground.

4/ Lastly, I'll leave you with my personal experience of failing my driving test 2 or three times (I can't believe I can't remember but it was at least twice). I was devastated - it was back when I was 18 or 19 and I remember crying and feeling like a failure. I thought I'd never drive and promised Hashem that if I passed on my next try I would drive for Chai Lifeline (which I did for a time!) and I passed after I made that promise!! Fast forward to today - I'm one of the best drivers I know but more importantly I've learned that failure is an achievement. It means you tried and you're not gonna let failing make you give up. Once you're not afraid of failure - you're unstoppable.

And last lastly, if this is a true goal of yours and you go after it - I want you to know that I have full confidence in you that you'll ace it. And if you tell me when you get that license and are driving independently- I'd love to treat you to lunch/coffee on me to celebrate with your support crew!

Just Make sure you take me up on it before any of us die. K?

You got this, I believe in you and we're all rooting for you!

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• Anxiety
• Emotion regulation
• Relationships