Let’s be honest: The vast majority of people that go to couples counseling are there to get their spouse to change.
You won’t say it out loud because it’s not the “right” thing to say. But that’s what you’re there for.
You’ll say “We want better communication” or “I want to reconnect.” But underneath that, there’s a list of things he does that make you feel invisible and frustrated. A list of things she does that make you feel her to be insufferable and like nothing you do is enough. And somewhere in the back of your mind is the real question: Can this person actually change? Can they become someone different than who they’ve been for the last ten years?
You don’t believe it’s possible. You’ve watched him shut down mid-conversation so many times you now anticipate it before it happens. You’ve watched her spiral into anxiety and control, you’ve given up hope of her ever being different.
You’ve probably diagnosed your spouse as well. He’s like that because of his father. She’s like that because of what happened to her at age twelve. He’s a narcissist. She’s bipolar.
Here’s what I’m telling you directly: That belief is incorrect.
I’ve watched this happen enough times to say it plainly: Your spouse can change. Not into a different person. Into the fuller, steadier, and more developed and mature version of the person you married, minus the defenses that got built up along the way in your marriage (as well as before it). He can learn to stay present, instead of retreating. She can learn to become vulnerable and soft, instead of controlling. He can “man up” and contain your emotions. She can learn what respectful communication looks like. These aren’t personality transplants. They’re structural upgrades — and structural upgrades are exactly what I specialize in.
I’m interested in the deeper mechanics — the polarity between masculine and feminine energy in your relationship, the specific way each of you experiences threat, abandonment, rejection, safety, and partnership, the exact moment in your dynamic where connection turns into distance. BeH, I find that moment, label it, clarify for you what caused it, and demonstrate for you how you can tweak things so that the result is an understanding couple turning towards each other, instead of two people on the brink of giving up turning away.
Imagine your spouse is given a map to how you as a man or woman experience the interactions the two of you have. And imagine you’re given that map to how your spouse experiences those interactions.
Non-effective behaviors are replaced.
Disruptive patterns are broken down.
And healthier ones are built based upon understanding what you and your spouse, as a man and woman, need in order to feel connection and partnership.
Picture it. Three months from now. The fight that used to spiral for four hours till 2AM over nothing doesn’t happen anymore. Not because you’ve both gotten better at biting your tongue, but because the underlying dynamic has been worked through directly. Picture him initiating a real conversation without being cornered into it. Picture her settling into the relationship looking to align with you, instead of her go-to first response being argumentative. Picture the specific, physical feeling of walking into your own home, feeling like an ally lives there instead of an opponent.
My work is taking off the defensive and reactive armor — carefully, precisely, on both sides — so the relationship you actually signed up for has the space and opportunity to exist and to grow. And bringing the two of you to meet and connect with one another in a deep way.
If you’re ready to stop coping and start building, I invite you to join me in uncovering what’s actually underneath the pattern you’ve been fighting in for years, and discovering what your marriage looks like once new skills are acquired and integrated.
Rosh HaShona is a couple of weeks away. Let’s make this year different.
Comments (0)
Add Comment
Login to join the discussion