Thank you to two people who requested this topic.
It's the old complaint of, "Why can't we communicate?"
Here's the short answer: Because the "we" in that sentence isn't actually there!
Instead of two people in all their wisdom, maturity, joy of life, understanding, kindness, and compassion, talking, there are two armies of defenses not listening but ready to pounce on each other.
That's why.
What I'm saying is that the real "You" and the real "Spouse" are not actually the ones doing the arguing, stonewalling, criticism, hurt feelings, stomping off, and the rest of it.
They're your - and your partner's - defenses. Or, parts, or protectors, as I call them.
See, each of you acquired a different part for a different job that you had to have in your arsenal.
There's the part that argues and analyzes, the part that criticizes, the part that loses it, the part that's a people pleaser, and so on.
Now, the key piece of information here is that every part has an agenda.
They have blinders on. They march forward with their agenda in mind.
The only focus they have is winning.
Just picture the schoolboy who "must" do his homework "or else." He is terrified of the "or else" so he becomes a nerd. His nose is always in his books.
When he's 15 and his body tells him there is such a thing as "girls," his brain is eminently unprepared to talk to them. And his brain doesn't really want to, either, because he's too busy studying.
Or the girl who is called demeaning names by her family because she's cute and attractive. They think she's doing wrong things when those wrong things started in their heads, not hers.
She may start to hate her looks and her body. She may develop an eating disorder. She may hear a critical voice in her head telling her how "bad" she is.
These are all protectors. Maybe you've thought of them as defense mechanisms. Or coping strategies. Same thing.
You may think: "Wait a minute, DrDeb, how can you call them 'protectors' when they're actually hurting the people they're supposed to be protecting?"
Great question! Glad you asked!
Let's take the child in the story above who grows up to be a nerd. That nerdiness is saving him from his parent's anger or coldness.
True, it may keep him from girls, dates, and eventual marriage, but the nerd part was necessary for him to develop when he was 8 years old.
It just stayed with him because that's what our parts do.
The girl who hates her body "protects" herself from her parents' abuse by beating them to the punch.
True, it injures her now, years later - and with eating disorders, it may even kill her - but the 11 year old who first needed this protective part couldn't possibly have realized all that; she was, after all, only 11.
And these protectors are loyal. Boy, are they!
If they came into your life to help you when you were 5, do you think they're so ready to turn control of you over to you when you're 45?
Uh-uh.
Not only that. Honestly, they might not even know there is a "You."
Think of it this way: If there's someone in your life (maybe even you) who is "always" (or often) angry, then others would think, "Oh, that's an angry person."
But that's not accurate.
You - or the person you know - is not at all an "angry person." Our true Selves are open-hearted, and filled with care and concern for others.
So who is the "angry person"?
Protectors that will not let go of their "job" - which is to get angry.
Another example: Bill was not allowed to make mistakes in his chores or homework. He also could not defend himself if he had a good reason for the mistakes.
He was not allowed to "talk back."
So Bill had a lot of anger inside.
And guess what?
He couldn't show it to his parents, but he sure does show it to you!
The reality is that since there was not one human soul who validated to Bill that he was mistreated at that time and that should not have happened, he will continue to have angry parts jumping up to be heard any time he doesn't feel listened to.
Even if the person listening was listening.
It's not about whether they were or not.
It's about him not feeling listened to.
So out come his angry protectors quick as lightning.
We all have protectors.
And they're here to stay.
They have an agenda; they are loyal as heck, and -
They do not believe your "Self" can handle things.
That is why they keep popping up in the middle of conversations.
And, of course, it's all complicated by the fact that there are two people with protectors protecting them.
It would be a totally different ball game if one of the two people was able to remain in the unruffled pleasantness of Self-energy in spite of the misinterpretations and accusations of the other person's parts.
[wink, wink] that's why the same people do fine talking alone to a high-quality therapist who can remain in Self-energy with them [like me ;-) ].
So How Do You Get Out Of This Mess?
First, recognize the pattern you're in: What is triggering you? Them?
Why? Where did that trigger originate in your childhood?
Second, practice gently and lovingly putting aside these protectors that pop up to the rescue when you're triggered.
That means actually talking to your parts and asking them to step aside. When you do that for every single one of them, you're left in Self energy.
Is this easy? No.
Is it doable? Absolutely! Every single one of my Coaching clients and Immersion Experience clients has been able to do it. Repeatedly.
And many people have commented on my blog that just reading my posts has helped you to do exactly that.
Because when two people can talk from Self energy, they actually can have a conversation. OMG! A real exchange of ideas! Woo-hoo!
In my 4-month group coaching program, having great conversations is the goal; it's the focal point of everything. We also work on taming triggers and self-love, of course.
And, of course, I also do private therapy.
If this is something you want, then message me or email me and we'll set up a quick chat to see if it's a fit for you.
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