I enjoy work mostly, but when I get home, I crash & feel lonely

I enjoy work mostly, but when I get home, I crash - I feel very lonely and empty inside - like I need a booster -caffeine. And then even after that, I still feel empty. Have sister with me but she’s very busy and want to be with the rest of the world. Don’t enjoy my own company but so badly want to. help!

Awesome that you enjoy work most often. It makes sense that you struggle to fill your evening in ways that feel as good as your working hours - especially if you're not YET someone who knows how to enjoy spending time with yourself.

So there's a few things I want to touch upon here in the hope that I can guide you in the right direction.

I/ you shared that you crash when you get home.

The concept of crashing seems like something totally unrelated to not liking alone time.

Crashing usually happens when we were running on adrenaline, sugar, caffeine, some other stimulant or simply not getting our basic needs taken care of consistently e.g. sleep, balanced food intake, water etc.

You shared you often reach for caffeine which is likely a result of the crashing and less about anxiety related to the evening hours ahead.

So in this first point I want you to encourage you to take inventory (perhaps with a trusted third party - friend, mentor, coach, therapist) with whom you can walk thru your typical day in great detail and find ways to sustain yourself emotionally and physically so that you feel more balanced when your workday is over.

Yes you may be tired from work but tired and crashing are very different.

It's easier to enjoy spending time with yourself from a slightly tired place than from an adrenaline or sugar spiking and dropping or hangry place!

2/ you mentioned that you feel empty (twice!) which can be a legitimately painful experience. I think you're onto something here and I want to commend you for connecting this teeling to perhaps the main reason you despise alone time.

Feeling empty inside is a painful feeling so it makes sense you wouldn't like to spend time alone with yourself with that feeling.

It makes sense you'd want your sister or anything or anyone to avoid feeling this way.

The reason I'm extracting this "empty" piece is not just to validate this experience but because it's essential that you understand that feeling empty on the regular is a real struggle in and of itself and something you want to get to the bottom of via personal therapy.

Unfortunately it's a common experience and I would bet that most people who feel empty when they're alone try their best to avoid that situation.

Essentially what I want to underscore is that - I think -

You feel empty inside and therefore struggle so much with enjoying your own company.

Not the reverse - that you don't like spending time alone and therefore feel empty when you're alone / lonely. See the difference?

Now, the emptiness is something I want you to explore in therapy to uncover the why and perhaps those insights will help you from the ground up. That being said, having things to do and ways to manage those feelings on your own when they surface is also important which brings me to point number 3

3/ so how do you enjoy your own company! There are so many ways but like I shared above it's going to be difficult to enjoy your own cod or ay your crashing so l way you to feel encouraged that resolving those two issues will immediately make enjoying time alone more attainable.

To figure out how to enjoy time alone I would ask you to start with creating a list of things NOT TO DO - things that you know make you feel bad during or after and commit to not engaging in that list when you come home. Things on this list might be caffeine, social media, reading the news or you fill in the blanks.

Then once you have that list, create another with things to explore or experiment with that you may enjoy doing on your own.

Some ideas to get you started, a slow walk in nature, listening to music, painting, adult coloring books, watching something that makes you feel good after (comedy or something else that is kosher on your standards. Reading a book you enjoy, taking a long peaceful shower, creating a delicious smoothie, fruit and veggie chopping (a personal zen favorite).

Get creative and create a list of things you can turn to even if you're unsure if you'll enjoy it.

Challenge yourself to have an open mind and try something new a few times before you write it off

Remember that you may have uncomfortable feelings as you spend time alone especially if it's new to you. You may feel that emptiness even if you're working thru it in therapy and that's when you're going to practice mindfulness-acknowledging those feelings and soothing them by noticing them, naming them and allowing them to be while you continue to be good to yourself. Building a relationship with yourself takes time, patience and love. Be gentle with yourself and trust that you're well on your way.

You got this and we're rooting for you. 

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• Anxiety
• Relationships