"Man" vs "Boy" -- Your Neediness is Killing Her Attraction

In marriage, the distinction between a “Man” and a “Boy” has little to do with age, and everything to do with emotional maturity.

A Boy views his relationship as a source of validation or a place to be taken care of. He needs constant reassurance to feel worthy. If his wife is unhappy, he takes it as a personal failure or an attack, because his self-image is entirely dependent on her approval. He will often look for his wife to manage his domestic life or his emotional outbursts, effectively outsourcing his adulthood. 

A Man views a relationship as a partnership he cultivates. He takes ownership over his own emotional state. He doesn't need his wife to "fix" his bad day, though he values her support. He understands that a partnership is a living thing. Just like a garden, it requires consistent "watering" (intentional connection), "protection" (set boundaries around it), and "weeding" (address conflict).

Neediness vs. Supplier

Perhaps the most striking difference between a Man and a Boy lies in the direction of emotional energy -- the Taker versus the Giver.

• The Boy (Taker): The Boy is emotionally needy. He looks to a woman to soothe his insecurities, manage his schedule, or provide the validation he doesn't give himself. He looks to her to be the centerpiece and driving force of his life.

• The Man (Giver): The Man operates from a place of “overflow.” He has done the internal work to be a whole person on his own. He doesn’t need a woman to complete him; rather, he looks to her to be a complement to his life. 

What a Woman Needs to Feel

For a relationship to flourish, most women need to feel numerous things that a “Boy” simply cannot provide consistently...

• Emotional Safety: A woman needs to know that she can express her feelings, even the “messy” ones, without her partner becoming defensive, shutting down, or running away. A man holds space; a boy feels attacked by her and brought down by her emotions.

• Consistency: There is a massive difference between intensity and consistency. Boys are great at intensity. They “love bomb” to show they are all-in... for two weeks. But Men are masters of consistency -- they show up when and how they say they will. They are the same person on Tuesday afternoon as they were on Saturday night.

• Competence: A woman feels a profound sense of calm when she feels her husband can and will handle life’s logistics and challenges. When her Man is someone who says, “I’ve got this” -- and she can rely on it, she can step out of “manager mode.” When a husband is proactive, it allows his wife to relax into her own energy and feel contained, rather than constantly worrying about whatever life will throw at them.

• Emotional Regulation: A Boy uses his partner as a therapist or a dumping ground for his wounds. A Man processes his emotions so he can lead through them. For this reason, I advise husbands to have a mentor, therapist, coach, rabbi or high quality friend to vent to and do their personal healing with. By expressing your fears and dealing with your issues elsewhere, your wife can come home to a version of you that's the solid reliable “rock” she can lean into, rather than a whirlwind of chaos and instability where she can't let her guard down.
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• Real Conversation: Another difference between a Boy and a Man can be seen in how he handles a “no” or a difficult conversation.
  • Does he use “silent treatment” or shift the blame? Or does he address the issue directly and seek a solution?
  • Does he wait for her to make the plans? Or does he exercise masculine vision and direction and take the lead?
  • Does he seek validation from outside sources? Or does he find validation through his own character?

From "Boy" to "Man"

The move from Boy-living to Man-living can be seen in the difference between neediness and grounded security. When a Man stops looking to his wife to "fill his cup,” he becomes the version of himself that can contain his wife's emotions, and actually lead and support.

To do this, the husband must develop internal validation. He does this primarily by  building a life that he loves and having a purpose outside the relationship. This isn’t about being distant towards his spouse or family; it’s about having self-worth, a sense of “mission” and "meaning". Whether it’s career, fitness, a craft, religion, a man needs to feel competent in the world, to be extending of himself, and to feel that he's living for something greater than himself.

When a Man feels capable and meaningfulness in his own life, he feels a sense of wholeness and self-containment. He stops “starving” for his partner’s reassurance and quits chasing their validation.

This is becaise neediness usually stems from a lack of sense of self or a fear of loss. And it leads you become suffocating or overly “nice” to prevent rejection.  However, the neediness always shines through -- and a man's neediness is kryptonite to a woman. It's a killer of respect and attraction.

The solution: Accept that you cannot control her feelings, and focus on what you can control -- your character. Be a man of high integrity. Show up honestly and fully without “chasing” her affection.

Stop “performing” to keep her.

Start “existing” as a high-quality person and partner.

This creates the space for her to actually feel your presence and move toward you.

Now allow the results to be whatever they will be.

• Codependency
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
• Couples Counseling
• Inner child work
• Mindfulness and Meditation
• Premarital Counseling
• Relationships