It sure does come up often:
"Why can't they listen?"
"Why can't they show me the same courtesy and care that I show to them?"
"Why do they tell me they love me if they don't even listen to me?"
"I mean, that's basic, isn't it? To listen? I don't think they love me at all."
You would think so, wouldn't you?
Why They Can't Listen
Let's make up someone named George who doesn't listen and let's check on how this came to be in George's life.
George's mother was a nervous person. Nice, but nervous.
Her mother was nervous and George's mother picked up that vibe. When George's mother was growing up, her mother would fuss and worry about George's mother going outside to play: "What if someone came along and kidnapped my kid?" she thought. So George's mother was not allowed outside to play. At all.
George's grandmother married someone who made her feel safe. He always had answers for every problem. They were a good match because this made his grandfather feel wanted and useful.
George's mother married a more happy-go-lucky man than her dad, because, as you can imagine, the environment she grew up in was very constrictive: She couldn't go out to play or have friends over because they might make her sick. She had to do well in school so that she could have a job later in life - she wasn’t allowed to fail.
When she met George's father, she was thrilled. And it was probably the first time in her life that she could actually laugh.
As George grew up, what he learned was that to get out of the constrictive and stifling nervousness of his mother, he simply ignored her. His father never reinforced his mother's rules because, frankly, his father thought they were silly. So all George had to do was - what he wanted!
Not only did George learn that tuning out his mother enabled him to live a more fun life, but it literally saved him from becoming the anxiety-prone person his mother was. You could say George was normal and his mother was not.
The problem of course is that he didn't listen. This made his mother even more anxious, worrying why she couldn't get through to him - which reinforced his now-automatic tuning out.
Much as biting your nails becomes an automatic habit, so was George's tuning out.
As a result, he didn't know how to listen. He didn't know how to have a conversation!
Because, think about it: All his father did was make jokes to ease the stress that was created by his wife's nervousness; he and George's mother didn't - couldn't - have real conversations, either.
Nevertheless, their marriage was okay. George's father supplied the humor, the light touch, and this made him feel good. He was, after all, contributing to the family. His wife was a sweet person when she wasn't worrying, and he liked her presence during those times.
But here comes George, who doesn't listen. Needless to say, he did not do well in school, and - drumroll, please - the more his mother harped on his need to listen, the less he listened.
Of course.
Because "harping" is exactly what he learned to tune out.
Now there are many different explanations for all the people who don't listen. But George is fairly typical.
So, your next question probably is -
What Should YOU Do?
To answer this question, you can't be emotional. At least not to start. Any teeny creeping in of emotions will misguide your response to the question I'm going to ask you.
So to help you with that, I'm going to set up a scene that doesn't include a husband or spouse at all. Suppose you're an elementary school teacher and a little kid in the class will not listen. You have tried discipline and all the child does is cry. Nothing, absolutely nothing, has worked.
You go to the office and look into more about the child and discover that the child was removed from his home for abuse and is now living with a foster family. There have been allegations of abuse in the foster home and the Department Of Child Services is looking into it.
What will work with this child, do you think?
I'd love for you to answer that question in the comments.
You absolutely have every right to get mad at me and say - loudly! - "But DrDeb, my partner is a GROWNUP!! Sheesh! Do I have to baby them??"
Of course you don't. Actually, that would be my job as your coach or therapist, or one of my team who is from your state, if you and your spouse did therapy with us.
But we are not talking about you being the babysitter - or therapist. Remember, your question was simply, "Why aren't they listening?" And the implied point is that they must not love you if they aren't.
As you can see, in their mind, the love goes the other way: They're thinking that they are not loved because their mother never must have loved them or they wouldn't have been treated the way they were.
But wait!
You'd be spot on to point out that you are not their mother and you don't even talk like their mother!
However - and here's the problem: You didn't start out talking like their mother. Correct.
But after many years of them not listening to you, I'll bet you do get frustrated. Like their mother.
And, if you just give up and stop trying to communicate, that just makes George feel less stressed! Now he doesn't have to deal with conversations!
Mind you - either one of your reaction is perfectly normal.
Just as the teacher's frustration and discipline was perfectly normal in our example.
Only it doesn't work.
So please understand: Your spouse's behavior does not mean they don't love you. Just as they don't know how to have a normal conversation, they also don't know how to love. In fact, they probably haven't had much experience of getting love - or recognizing when they were getting your love.
This is why I strongly recommend my coaching course for everyone as a starter if your partner resists therapy. Its less intense, but it opens the eyes as to what's happening and why it's happening.
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