With the holiday season approaching, many of us will soon gather with family and friends—sitting around the table with parents, siblings, cousins, old schoolmates, and others from different parts of our lives. While these reunions can be joyful, they often bring up strong emotions, too. It’s not uncommon to feel a sense of comparison when conversations inevitably turn to topics like work, relationships, and life achievements. You might be asked about your career, your dating and relationship life, or your future plans, and suddenly, you find yourself questioning whether you’re where you “should” be.
Being around others—especially those who seem to have it all figured out—can stir up feelings of confusion, frustration, or even shame. Am I lagging behind? Should I be further along in my career? Why does everyone else seem to have their lives together? These questions can leave you feeling like you’re still stuck at the proverbial “kids' table” of life, waiting for someone to tell you it's time to move forward.
But here’s the thing: early adulthood, particularly during your 20s and 30s, is a time when each person’s path unfolds at its own pace. And while it can be difficult not to compare yourself to others, it’s important to remember that the decisions you make are yours alone. In this phase of life, you’re not just navigating external tasks like building a career or forming relationships; you’re also shaping your identity. These choices are deeply personal, and they require self-reflection rather than external validation.
Making Decisions Without External Input
It’s tempting to let others make choices for you. Whether it's leaning on your parents, friends, or the expectations of society, we often look outward for guidance. After all, it’s easier to let someone else tell us what to do, right?
But the reality is, adulthood is the time when you must begin to make decisions on your own terms. It’s about listening to yourself and understanding what you really want—despite the opinions swirling around you. For example, a client I worked with once faced intense pressure from their family to pursue a particular career path, even though it didn’t align with their interests. By exploring their feelings in therapy, they realized their true passion lay elsewhere, and once they made the decision to follow their own path, their anxiety lifted, and they gained a new sense of purpose.
This is where owning your decisions comes in. Accepting that you are the architect of your life can feel daunting, but it's also empowering. You’ll find freedom in making choices that align with your true desires rather than fulfilling someone else’s vision for you. And here’s the thing: those choices don't have to be perfect. In fact, they won't be—and that’s okay.
Accepting Yourself as a Work in Progress
It’s important to embrace the reality that you're a work in progress, especially during early adulthood. Everyone is still figuring things out, even when they look like they’ve got it all together on the outside. Give yourself the grace to admit that you’re still evolving. Saying “I’m a work in progress” or “I’m still figuring myself out” doesn’t mean you're behind. It means you're being honest with yourself, and that’s a powerful mindset shift.
Choices and mistakes aren’t permanent. They’re stepping stones in the journey of life. If you end up in a job that doesn’t feel right, or if you realize a relationship isn’t what you hoped for, you can pivot. It’s better to take action, embrace the learning experiences along the way, and make adjustments as needed. Don’t fall into the trap of “should” statements. Instead of thinking, “I should have done this by now,” focus on where you are and where you want to go.
The process may be tumultuous at times, but it’s through living fully and engaging with your choices that you grow.
Getting Comfortable with Your Emotions
One of the biggest challenges in early adulthood is dealing with the complex emotions that arise when things don’t go as planned. It’s normal to feel sadness, fear, disappointment, or jealousy when your vision for your life doesn’t materialize the way you hoped. Instead of trying to suppress these feelings, it’s crucial to acknowledge and sit with them. These emotions are our body’s natural signals that we’re meant to do more or change direction.
For example, when you feel jealousy watching others achieve traditional milestones—like getting married, buying a home, or landing a dream job—don’t dismiss it. That jealousy is pointing to something you want. When cultivated correctly, these emotions can deepen your understanding of what truly matters to you.
A powerful exercise to try is leaning into those feelings. Take a moment to grieve the unmet expectations, feel the sadness, and acknowledge the fear or uncertainty. These emotions are guideposts that push you toward making decisions aligned with your core values.
Shifting Your Mindset: Reinventing Yourself
Reinvention is a normal part of life, and it’s never too late to start over or make course corrections. Self-actualization isn’t a one-time achievement; it’s a continual process. Life is hard, and achieving your goals won’t always come easy, but that’s part of the human experience. Waiting for things to fall into place won’t get you there—being active in your decision-making will.
One activity I often do with clients is having them rewrite their past the way they wished it went. This exercise helps them identify key turning points or unfulfilled dreams. Then, we reflect on how their life might be different if they had lived out that vision. This often leads to deeper conversations about how they can take action now to realize their dreams moving forward.
By recognizing that the traditional markers of adulthood—like getting married or buying a house—aren’t the only signs of success, my clients learn to trust themselves. When you stop following someone else’s script and start living according to your own values, you become your highest functioning and most fulfilled self.
Asking for Help
These issues are unique for this age group, and they can be incredibly overwhelming to navigate alone. Therapy is a great place to work through these feelings and understand what’s driving your decisions. As a therapist specializing in early adulthood, I help individuals explore their emotions, make confident choices, and take action toward building the life they truly want.
Therapy focuses on self-awareness, expressing emotions in the here and now, and developing the confidence to embrace life’s uncertainties. Over time, clients often notice that the stress and depression caused by blocked emotions start to lift, and a new sense of self-confidence begins to grow. It’s about becoming the architect of your own life, one decision at a time.
Embrace the Journey
The transition into adulthood is filled with both excitement and uncertainty, but it’s also a time for growth and discovery. Remember that you are in control of your decisions, and it's okay to make mistakes along the way. By embracing your emotions, shifting your mindset, and seeking support when needed, you can move from the “kids’ table” and start living the life you truly want. The journey might be bumpy, but it’s yours to own—and that’s what makes it meaningful.
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