**Trigger warning - This article discusses the desire to commit suicide and how to intervene. It is written in the form of a 1st person account of one who is suicidal. The goal is to allow the reader into the mind of someone who is suicidal, what should and shouldn’t be done.
If you yourself are suicidal, or if you know someone who is, please seek immediate help**
In the USA and Canada, call 988 to reach the suicide hotline
“When you don’t have the strength to take another step, ask those you love to pull you.”
- Unknown
Dear Friends,
I write to you today with a heart full of sorrow, yet also with hope—a hope that this letter can open a window of understanding into the silent, often invisible, struggles that lead someone to consider ending their own life. I know this is not easy to read. I know it's a difficult topic, and one that may leave you feeling uncertain, even scared. But I need you to understand. You need to understand.
There are moments in life when it feels like the weight of the world has become unbearable. It can feel as though the darkness is closing in from all sides, squeezing the very breath from your chest. The pain is constant—emotional, mental, physical—and no matter how hard you try, it doesn't seem to get any better. People tell you that things will improve, that things will get better in time. But it feels as though time only makes the weight heavier. You feel worthless, like a burden to everyone around you. And eventually, you might start to believe that the world would be better off without you.
Sometimes you feel like the only way to stop the pain is by ceasing to exist.
I don’t want to make it sound like there’s a simple reason for why someone might think about suicide. There isn't. It’s not always about one thing—one traumatic event, or one painful loss. Sometimes it’s just an accumulation of everything: rejection, failure, loneliness, hopelessness. All these thoughts start to swirl together, becoming a fog that clouds everything in your life. The idea of escape, of relief, becomes the only way out. And even though there's still a small part inside that clings to life, it gets harder and harder to hear that voice over the loud, overwhelming one telling you that it just isn’t worth it to live any longer.
I’m writing to you, not as someone who has found all the answers, but as someone who has and is currently walking that dark road. I’m writing to ask for your help—your genuine, heartfelt help. I know you want to help, but I also know that some of you really don’t know how to properly help. I’ll take a moment to let you know what really can make a positive impact, and what might actually make things worse.
What’s Helpful:
- Listen without judgment: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply listen. Let us speak without trying to fix it or offer solutions right away. Don’t ever interrupt. Don’t be dismissive. Don’t debate. Just listen to the pain in our words. Sometimes we just need someone who will hear us.
- Acknowledge the pain: Don’t tell us that we shouldn’t feel the way we do. Don’t tell us to "snap out of it" or "just think positive." The pain is real. Acknowledge that. Let us know that it's okay to feel the way we do, even if you don't fully understand why we feel it. Your acknowledgment means we don’t have to hide it anymore.
- Express care, not pity: We don’t need pity. What we need is to feel cared for. Tell us that we matter. Tell us that you’re here for us, and that you want to help us fight through the darkness. Your presence, your willingness to walk with us, can make a world of difference. Sometimes, just knowing someone is willing to sit in the darkness with us is enough to remind us that we don’t have to face it alone.
- Encourage professional help: If you think we might need it, gently encourage us to speak to a professional. It’s not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of strength to reach out for help. But do this with care. Don’t push. Just offer it as a possibility. The decision to seek help has to come from us.
What’s Unhelpful (and Harmful):
- Avoiding the topic: If we bring up thoughts of suicide, don’t brush it off. Don’t pretend like you didn’t hear. Pretending it’s not happening doesn’t make it go away. Ignoring it can make us feel even more invisible, like our pain doesn’t matter.
- Saying "others have it worse": Telling us that someone else has it worse can be incredibly invalidating. Yes, there are others who suffer. But that doesn’t take away from our suffering. It doesn’t make our pain any less real. Comparisons don’t heal; they minimize what we’re going through.
Telling us to “get over it”: If we could get over it, we would. We want to get over it. But one doesn’t “get over it” simply by being told to do so.
- Telling us to "just think positive": I can’t just "think positive" when my mind is screaming at me that I’m worthless. Telling someone who’s struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts to "just think happy thoughts" is like telling someone with a broken leg to "just walk it off." It doesn't work. It’s not about changing our thoughts in the moment—it’s about showing up, staying with us, and letting us know we don’t have to go through it alone.
- Pushing too hard or too quickly for answers: We may not have all the answers right away. Sometimes, we don’t even know why we feel the way we do. Please don’t expect us to have it figured out or push us into talking before we’re ready. Give us time, and don’t rush the process of healing.
Don’t speak with us publicly: If you want to get us to talk (and if you care about us, you do) make sure it is privately. “Suicide is a sin” or “You’ll go to Hell”: People opt for suicide because they already feel like they’re stuck in a Hell. Guilt isn’t going to prevent one from suicide. Guilt is also something that pushes people away, and the person who is considering suicide wants closeness, not to be pushed away.
What You Can Do:
- Check in regularly: Sometimes we isolate ourselves. A simple "How are you doing?" can be a lifeline, even if we don’t respond immediately. It lets us know you’re thinking of us and that you care.
- Create space for open dialogue: Make it clear that it’s okay to talk about dark thoughts, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel. If we’re ready to share, be there without judgment. You don’t have to have the answers; just knowing you’re willing to listen can be enough.
- Be patient: Healing is a long and difficult process. It’s not linear. Some days we’ll feel better, some days we won’t. But even on the bad days, we need to know you’re there, still holding space for us.
Be alert for warning signs: Sometimes we won’t be direct. Don’t be afraid to ask us about vague statements. You won’t encourage us to commit suicide by asking us if we’re talking/thinking about suicide.Don’t be afraid to call 911: If you believe that we’re close to acting on our suicidal thoughts, don’t be afraid to call for assistance. We might be really angry at you in the short term, but we really would prefer to live than to be dead.
I’m writing this because I want something more than the escape that suicide seems to offer. I want connection, I want understanding, and I want to believe that I’m not a burden on the people I love. I want to believe that my pain, no matter how deep, doesn’t have to define me. I want to find a way out of the darkness. And while that journey is ultimately mine to take, I can’t do it alone.
So, I ask you, my friends and family, please hear me. Please see me. Don’t look away, even when it’s hard. I need your presence, your care, your willingness to help me find an alternative to this suffocating pain. There is no easy fix. There is no quick solution. But there is something infinitely precious in knowing that I am not alone—that I matter enough for you to walk this difficult road with me.
With love and hope,
Someone you love who’s thinking about suicide
Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker and therapist who lives and works in Jerusalem. He is a certified trauma therapist with a private practice. Additionally, he also sees clients who would like to take a cognitive approach (e.g. DBT, CBT, REBT) towards reaching their desired outcome.
He has been writing and speaking publicly about child sex abuse prevention since 2017.
To speak with Yisroel about speaking at a child safety event or to discuss a personal case, email him at [email protected]
To learn more about Yisroel and to read older articles, check out his website www.ympicker.com
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