Making Change Possible

As we enter Elul and move towards Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we are reminded of Teshuva—of turning, returning, and making changes in our lives. For many, this is a time to reflect on what we would like to do differently: in our religious lives, our relationships, our habits, or the way we relate to ourselves and others.

But wanting to change and actually changing are two very different things.

Many of us know the experience of promising ourselves that this time will be different. We try to change a habit, improve a relationship, manage our emotions, or attempt to become the person we want to be. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes it works for a while,  but then we slip back. After enough attempts, it may start to lose hope or motivation, thinking: What's the point? I've tried this before. I always end up back where I started.

But perhaps by understanding a little more about change, we can perhaps be more successful with this.

Where am I really?

We often imagine change from the perspective of where we want to be rather than where we are.

The goal may be admirable, but if the gap between where we truly are and where we want to be is too large, we are really setting ourselves up to fail. Real change begins with an honest assessment: Where am I right now, and what is the next realistic step from here?

Acceptance of where we are is not the opposite of change. Rather, it is often the beginning of it.

What is in the way?

Our patterns usually serve some purpose, even when they ultimately hurt us. Anger may protect us from vulnerability. Avoidance may protect us from** anxiety or shame. An addictive behaviour often provides temporary relief from really difficult emotions.

Rather than simply asking, "How do I stop doing this?", it can be helpful to ask:

"Why am I doing this? What is this behaviour doing for me?"

Understanding it, doesn't mean we are excusing the behaviour. Rather It helps us understand what needs to change beneath the surface to allow the change to happen.

Change takes more than insight

Understanding ourselves is important, but insight alone rarely changes our behaviour. We can understand why we become defensive and still become defensive. We can understand our anxiety and still avoid what scares us.

Change requires practice. It may mean developing new skills, noticing our reactions earlier, deliberately responding differently, journaling, practicing mindfulness, or seeking support from a therapist, mentor, support group, or someone we trust.

The goal is not simply to know what we should do, but to also gradually to become more capable of doing something different.

Setbacks are part of change

Even when we are making meaningful progress, we will sometimes return to old patterns. A difficult day, a stressful situation, or a familiar trigger can pull us back. This doesn't necessarily mean that nothing has changed. Instead of asking, "Why did I fail again?", we can ask: "What happened? What can I learn from this? What might I do differently next time?"

Sometimes progress means noticing the pattern sooner, recovering more quickly, or making a different choice once when we previously couldn't.

Change is rarely a straight line

Perhaps meaningful change isn't about becoming someone completely different, but about developing who we already are, by strengthening capacities that may not have been fully developed, learning new ways of responding, and becoming more able to tolerate, connect, and choose. We don't have to reject the parts of ourselves that have struggled. We can understand where they came from while developing new ways of relating to them. Change is not about becoming someone else. It is about growing into a fuller version of ourselves.

Perhaps this is one of the beautiful ideas we can take from Teshuva. We don't have to arrive at our destination all at once. We simply have to turn. And sometimes one honest step in a new direction is the beginning of something much bigger