Run Away and Return

JJ Emanuel, MFT, RP

When we look at our relationships, it looks to us at times as though we are pulling apart from one another. This is true with familial relationships, friendships, business partnerships, and casual acquaintances alike. There are moments in time where we feel distant from one another or that there is a perceived distance, and this distance can be supremely uncomfortable. It can look to us as though we have no attachment with those that we care about in a deep way or even those whose connection would matter a great deal in that moment in which we perceive this great distance.

What’s odd is that this doesn’t seem to happen in a patterned way, where something we do or say seems to impact the distance we may feel from others. Of course, there are those moments which obviously lead to distance—like fights, insulting words, or intense moments which exist on the extreme ends of the spectrum. But the reality is that this feeling of distance or being far away just seems to happen at times, almost as though it is part of the very nature of relationships.

Well, it’s interesting to look at the world through this lens because when we do, we may start to notice this in other parts. The tide goes in and out. The moon waxes and wanes. The sun rises and sets. Particularly interesting is that as a seed moves toward becoming a plant, it rots and dies, lying dormant. But in reality, it waits to take on its new form as a plant or tree. Its most dormant point is the point immediately before it starts its next chapter.

Now, this may seem obvious—"it’s darkest before dawn" kind of speak—but it’s not simply that. We can even find that when we look at our own lives, there are moments when we are more friendly, more kind to ourselves. Moments when we feel connected and understanding of our context and situation, and moments where this is not as much the case. These moments can be difficult to digest. But what is actually happening in these moments? Are we really becoming more distant from ourselves? Are we truly backing away from our relationships with others? Is the sun setting?

I’d suggest that we are turning to look at ourselves and our relationships and that the sun is on its way back. Life is an endless journey of running away and returning—it’s what allows us to see reality. Stepping away from someone, from something, from a moment in time or a feeling we have, gives us an opportunity. One that, although painful and difficult to get through, can give us the biggest gift: to notice the elements of ourselves that feel unwhole or incomplete and to nurture these. And then, to notice the others—the ones to whom we wish to give—and see them as a destination. One to run to. One to return to. And in this space, we find passion, love, and a deep yearning for being in the state that feels whole and aligned. We find true connection.

• Codependency
• Relationships
• Stress management