Helping Without Losing Yourself

Q:

"I'm the oldest in my family and I love helping, but lately I feel like I'm constantly 'on call.' If I see a mess or hear my mother sigh, I drop everything to fix it. I'm exhausted, but I feel like it's my job to keep things running. How do I help without losing myself in the process

    - Running on Empty

Dear Running on Empty,

First, the fact that you're even asking this question says something about you. Most girls in your position just keep going until they hit a wall. You're noticing it before that happens, and that's exactly where change starts.

From the way you describe it, dropping everything the moment you hear your mother sigh, already halfway across the room before you've had a single thought about it, it sounds like you've fallen into what we call the helper trap. Not because helping is wrong. The fact that you want to help says something really good about you.

But there's a real difference between helping because you want to and helping because something inside you feels like you have no choice. One comes from a full place. The other comes from fear. Fear of what happens if you don't. Fear that if you stop, something will fall apart. Fear that if you stop, nobody will need you the same way.

You probably don't even think of it as fear. It just feels like responsibility. But underneath the responsibility, that's usually what's there. 

And patterns like that are exhausting. Not because you're weak. Because you're essentially working a second job that nobody scheduled you for, with no breaks and no end of shift.

Here's what usually happens in this situation. You get so good at sensing what everyone around you needs, that your own fuel tank quietly empties out. You don't notice it at first because you're busy. And then one day you're tired in a way that sleep doesn't fix, and you don't even know what's you want anymore because you haven't asked yourself that question in a long time.

So how do you start?

Not by helping less, at least not yet. By pausing first. The next time you feel that pull, that automatic reach to fix or smooth or step in, just give yourself three breaths before you move. That's it. You're not saying no. You're just creating one small moment between the feeling and the action.

In coaching we call this interrupting the automatic response, and it works because it gives you back the one thing the pattern takes away from you, which is choice. From there, start getting honest with yourself about your fuel tank. Not every day looks the same. On a day when you're stretched thin, folding everyone's laundry is a different ask than on a day when you feel okay. Your capacity changes. Paying attention to where you actually are, instead of just what needs doing, is not selfishness. It's how you stay sustainable enough to keep being the person your family needs.

And the deeper thing, the one worth sitting with, is this. You are not valuable because you hold everything together. You were valuable the day you were born, before you ever lifted a finger for anyone. The helping is something you do. It is not who you are. And when you start to feel the difference between those two things, everything gets a little lighter.

You don't have to stop being the girl who shows up. You just have to start showing up for yourself too.

With warmth,

Estie

Ready to start feeling like yourself again? 

Reach out today for a free consultation.

Estie Ashlag 

Certified Life Coach, Refuah Institute