From Isolation to Connection

Dear Coach,

   I am a fifteen- year- old girl, my class dynamics are such that most girls have their own group of friends and don’t even look at anyone else, the thing is that I am on the quiet side of the spectrum and have a hard time getting into a group, which means that I pretty much stay without anyone to talk to, can you give me some tips on how to be more a part of things?

                                                                                                                A Ninth Grader

Dear Ninth Grader,

  First of all, I want to applaud you for taking the courage to write this letter, the fact that you understand   yourself and your class dynamics so well shows me what a self-aware and perceptive young lady you are. I see how you really want to break that barrier between you and your classmates and bezrath Hashem with the right tools, practice and mindset you will get to your goal.

 It sounds like you have a lot to offer and all the noise around you is making you feel stuck. First of all, I want you to understand that many times, when we feel surrounded by a wall, it was built over a long period of time and it may take a lot of time for it to come down. The goal is not to be the loudest girl in the room, being quiet is not a flaw that has to be fixed, just the opposite many times it can be a asset; the goal is to take down that wall brick by brick so that you feel more connected and a part of things.

Some things that might help you take down a brick are:

1: Finding one safe person to start out with, like any goal that we want to reach we want to first break it down to something that feels manageable, finding a safe person in your class can do just that, instead of focusing on a whole class or a whole group, which can feel too daunting focus on one girl at a time. To find that first safe person, start by looking out for small, natural moments to connect. You can ask the girl sitting next to you for a pencil, or make a quick comment about a homework assignment. Asking a simple, open-ended question about her day is another great way to take the pressure off yourself, as people generally love to talk about themselves. sharing a hobby or interest with someone can be a natural conversation starter, when you are both focused on the same thing it can make you instant friends.

2: Another thing that can be helpful is thinking about our relationship with people outside of school; friends you are completely comfortable with, siblings, neighbors… someone that we feel we can let our defenses down a bit, someone who really gets you. Think about that relationship and see if there is anything you can learn from there that you can use with that one safe person in your class. Maybe your language is different than in school or it might be your posture or anything else that you think you can change with your classmates and again change takes time, a lot of practice and perseverance

3: Self-talk; many times we’re in a position for so long that we start believing things about ourself that are not necessarily true, for example; “ I have nothing to offer” or similar ideas. These thoughts might sound very real to us but would they carry any weight in a courtroom? Can you find proof of the opposite? Think about when the opposite of your belief happened let’s say you said something to someone and they found it really intelligent or whatever it might be in your case. Repeat that scenario in your head, the more you will repeat it to yourself the less place there will be for your false belief and slowly you will find that you can share more things because you truly have a lot of smart things to say it is just your belief keeping you back.

 4: Practice: our imagination is a powerful tool we can use it in many situations in order to prepare ourselves. When we imagine a situation even if it does not work out exactly how we thought it would it still takes away a lot of the fear of the unknown, we did this before.

 So now, take a quiet moment and try to picture yourself in the classroom going over to the girl you decided to start with, see her in front of yourself, you might feel bodily reactions to nervousness such as; heart racing, sweating, stomach tightening… those are all normal reaction to a situation where we feel nervous or threatened.

You can try to calm yourself down by taking deep breaths; four seconds inhale through your nose, hold your breath for four seconds, exhale for four seconds and repeat, you can also tell yourself grounding statements such as “I can do this”, “I am strong’’ or whatever calms you down, the best grounding position is standing upright, feet together on the ground and shoulders squared.

 Once you feel calm enough envision the conversation. What would you tell her? How does she respond? It does not have to be a long conversation, just a few words are enough to take down a brick. Imagine different reactions and prepare for everything so that when you feel ready to actually go and have that conversation with your classmate you are totally calm and prepared. You are already comfortable doing this because you have done this before in your head. Practice makes perfect the more you do this the easier it will become.

In conclusion; we spoke about making the goal more manageable, focus on one person, finding in the past how we overcame similar situations, over coming old believes and last but not least practice.

Wishing you lots of luck in high school and all other areas of your life.

                                                                                  Estie Ashlag - Certified life coach