Race To Be The Victim

There you are. Sitting on the edge of the bed. Feeling the sting of an argument.

In that moment, your brain does something fascinating and slightly devious.

It begins to edit the script of your relationship.

It cuts out your sharp tone, deletes your eye-roll, and zooms in on your spouse’s mistakes -- perhaps even with exaggeration.

Suddenly, you aren't a participant in a disagreement; you are a victim of their behavior.

It’s actually a comfortable position to be in. But it’s a trap that keeps you from the very intimacy you crave.

Here is why you do it, and how it’s eroding the foundation of your marriage...

The Allure of the Moral High Ground

When you cast yourself as the victim, you aren't just expressing hurt—you are claiming moral immunity.

If you can prove that your partner is the "aggressor," you effectively absolve yourself of responsibility. You don't have to look at your own coldness or your own avoidance -- you can simply point at their anger or their neglect, and cry "Woe is me."

Donning The Crown Of Victimhood

How do you actually do this in real-time?

All it takes is a few subtle psychological pivots:

• The Victim of Phraseology

  Instead of listening to what your spouse is saying, you fixate on how they said it. You pick apart their word choice, their tone, or their volume to avoid the actual issue. By making yourself a victim of their "harsh" delivery, you successfully derail the conversation. The focus shifts from your behavior to their "attack," leaving the original problem unsolved.

• The Victim of Personality

  You frame the conflict as a flaw in who they are, rather than what they did. By casting them as "the angry one" or "the selfish one," you position yourself as the long-suffering saint. If they are fundamentally the "bad guy," then you are always the innocent victim of their character. And, while you classify their mistakes as a character flaw ("You're just a selfish person"), you classify your mistakes as "situational" ("I was just tired"). This lets you ignore your own role in any friction because who they are is the root problem.

• The Victim of Martyrdom

  You keep a secret scorecard of everything you do for the relationship. You take on extra burdens, often without being asked, so you can feel neglected later. You use your "sacrifices" as a weapon, acting like a victim of your partner’s supposed laziness or lack of care. This way you effectively buy your way out of accountability: "How can I be wrong when I do so much for you?"

Why This Is a Losing Game

While playing the victim might feel like a win for your comfort, it is a catastrophic loss for your connection. When you choose this role, you effectively kill any chance of problem-solving; you cannot fix a problem you refuse to own, and that lack of accountability leaves you powerless to actually change the relationship for the better.

Over time, this behavior breeds deep resentment. When you're consistently framing your partner as the "villain" and yourself as the "victim," your partner eventually stops trying. Communication dies. The relationship goes numb.

Dismantling the Victim Complex

The alternative is to drop the victim act. When you do this, and you validate your partner's experience and perspective, they turn towards you and drop their defenses. You can move away from the "courtroom conversations" where who is guilty of what needs to be endlessly adjudicated, and shift into a partnership, where the only unified goal is to find your way back to each other.

To do this you must confront the uncomfortable reality that playing the victim is an act of emotional cowardice. It is a way to not have to change and stay "safe" by refusing to be seen as having done something wrong.

To truly drop the act, you've got to develop the psychological maturity to handle being "the wrong one" in the room...

Here are the deeper strategies for dismantling the victim complex:

• Relinquish the "Moral High Ground": The victim role rests upon the feeling of not wanting to be seen as wrong. To stop the race to be the victim, you must intentionally give up your moral superiority. This means accepting that being "right" is often the consolation prize of a failed relationship. Ask yourself: "Am I willing to be the 'guilty' one if it means we can actually heal?"  

• Separate Intent from Impact: A hallmark of the victim is the belief that because your intent wasn't malicious, your partner’s hurt is invalid. You must learn to hold two truths at once: You didn't mean to cause pain, and you may still be responsible for the pain you caused. Validate their hurt without getting defensive about your intent.

• Identify The "Lower" Side of You: We often play the victim to hide the "lower" less developed immature side of us that acts manipulative, cold, or passive-aggressive. Are there subtle ways you provoke your partner to get a reaction? If you can admit, "I knew that comment would upset you, and I said it anyway," you move from a powerless victim to an empowered, accountable partner that your spouse feels he or she might be able to have a mature conversation with.

• Audit Your Martyrdom: If you are using your "sacrifices" as currency, you aren't being generous; you are being transactional. Stop doing things for your spouse that you intend to use as leverage later. If a favor comes with a silent "victim tax" attached to it, don't do it. Real love is a gift; victimhood is a debt.

• The "Two-Sided" Narrative: Force yourself to tell the story of the argument from your partner's perspective, making them the hero and yourself the one who messed up. If you can’t do this, you are still trapped in your own propaganda. Sit in the discomfort of being the "villain" in their story without trying to "correct the record."

The Choice: Victorious Victim or Connected Couple?

At the end of the day, the Race to be the Victim is a race toward a lonely finish line. You may successfully "prove" that you are the most aggrieved, the most exhausted, and the most "right," but you will be standing on the ruins of your own intimacy. True strength in a marriage isn’t found in your ability to evade blame; it’s found in the courage to be the one to say, "I’ve been hiding behind my hurt to avoid accountability for my laziness, immaturity and mistakes." By forfeiting your crown of victimhood, you stop being a casualty of conflict with your spouse and start being an architect of the love, connection of your couplehood. Drop the victim script, burn the who-hurt-who scorecard. There is no such thing as a "victorious victim".