Seven Principles for making Marriage Work: Based on the works of J. Gottman (The Gottman Institute, 2024)

The Gottman Institute, founded by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, developed the “Love Lab” to study thousands of couples and identify the factors that contribute to thriving relationships versus those that lead to relational dissatisfaction. Their groundbreaking research uncovered distinct patterns among couples who reported relational happiness and contrasting patterns among those who experienced dissatisfaction.

From their findings, the Gottmans distilled Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, a framework based on observing how successful couples naturally interact, navigate challenges, and cultivate unity. These principles are intended for relationships built on mutual trust and commitment, and they are not applicable to abusive relationships. Abuse—defined as behaviors such as control, monitoring a partner’s activities, restricting finances or resources, physical harm, emotional manipulation, or gaslighting—undermines the very foundation required for a healthy partnership.

Trust and Commitment: The Cornerstones of a Strong Relationship:

Healthy relationships are built on trust and a shared commitment to one another. This involves making decisions with your partner’s well-being in mind, resisting temptations to betray the relationship, and creating a sense of safety by working through differences together. Trust is strengthened by seeing the good in your partner, avoiding negative assumptions or language about them, and staying dedicated even in times of difficulty, such as during a depressive episode, addiction, or health crisis. Commitment means choosing to love and support your partner through all circumstances, fostering a partnership where both individuals feel secure and valued.

When partners cherish each other, they view one another as irreplaceable and find ways to express appreciation regularly, even during challenging times. This intentional practice of acknowledgment and gratitude builds a foundation of trust and emotional safety.

A Balanced Perspective

It is important to acknowledge that while the Gottmans’ research offers valuable insights, their principles are not absolute. Every couple is unique, and these guidelines should be adapted to align with individual values and dynamics. Knowledge is power, and understanding the principles of a healthy marriage can empower both individuals to foster growth, connection, and resilience. Dr. John Gottman refers to these principles as the “building blocks of marriage.” By exploring each block individually, couples can develop a deeper understanding of how to strengthen and nurture their relationship over time. These foundational building blocks help couples can create and strengthen a relationship that is resilient, dynamic, and deeply fulfilling.

Shared Love Maps

The foundation of a strong relationship begins with shared Love Maps, which involve learning and understanding the core of who your partner is. This includes knowing their preferences, interests, values, and personal history, and demonstrating genuine curiosity about their world. As Gottman explains, “Knowing the little things about your partner’s life creates a strong foundation for friendship and intimacy (The Gottman Institute, 2024).” 

Love Maps start during the early stages of a relationship and should continue to grow, even after years of marriage, as people evolve over time. Life experiences and changing circumstances often add new layers of meaning to previously known information. To foster and expand Love Maps, couples can ask thoughtful questions, engage in meaningful conversations, and take time to reflect on what matters most to their partner. By maintaining curiosity and openness, relationships remain dynamic and meaningful.

Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

Nurturing Fondness and Admiration is intentionally focusing on the positive aspects of your partner and relationship, even during challenging times. Nurturing, as defined by Oxford Languages, is “the process of caring for and encouraging the growth or development of someone or something (Oxford Languages, 2024).” Similar to how plants need sunlight and water to thrive, relationships require care, warmth, and attention. Couples can recognize and vocalize positives by acknowledging each other’s strengths and expressing appreciation, such as saying, “I’m proud of the way you handled that situation,” or “I appreciate your thoughtfulness.” 

Reflecting on the qualities that first drew you to your partner and revisiting cherished memories can reignite the spark and bring fresh energy into the relationship. Activities like journaling or envisioning shared dreams can deepen the connection. Additionally, using words of affirmation and commitment during difficult times reinforces dedication to the relationship and serves as a stabilizing force.

Turning Towards Each Other Instead of Away

Turning towards each other is about prioritizing your partner and demonstrating that they are valued. It involves engaging in shared activities, taking the time to listen actively, and ensuring your partner feels heard and supported. This principle focuses on the daily efforts made within a relationship to connect emotionally, and to respond to each other’s bids for attention, affection, or support.

Turning towards means allowing yourself to rely on your spouse while also staying attuned to their needs; be mindful of moments when they reach out for connection. For instance, recognize and respond to your partner’s subtle cues—whether they seek help, emotional reassurance, or simple companionship—fosters trust and intimacy. This requires intentional effort and may involve scheduling time for acts of love and connection throughout the week. Perhaps, plan a weekly date night, write a thoughtful note, or simply offer a small gesture of care. While some may romanticize spontaneous acts of love, research and real-life experience suggest that sustained connection thrives on deliberate effort and structure rather than fleeting moments of passion—an idea often glamorized in popular media but rarely reflective of long-term relational success.

One of the strongest predictors of a relationship’s success is a couple’s ability to turn towards each other rather than away. Healthy couples consistently recognize and respond to bids for connection, creating a cycle of positivity and mutual support. In contrast, when bids are ignored or rejected, it often leads to frustration, criticism, and relational disconnection.

Accepting Influence

Here is another fundamental aspect of a healthy and balanced relationship. It involves sharing decision-making responsibilities and respecting each other’s choices, reflecting a willingness to listen, consider differing perspectives, and prioritize fairness and mutual respect. Research highlights an important paradox: the more influence a partner is willing to accept, the more influential they tend to be within the overall relationship. Successful relationships thrive when both partners feel heard, valued, and treated as equals, fostering a sense of collaboration and fairness.

Accepting influence begins with recognizing the validity of your partner’s perspective. Even when you disagree, acknowledging their opinions and feelings creates an environment of trust and openness. A simple but powerful affirmation, such as “You are important, and your opinions matter to me—even if I don’t agree with you,” can go a long way in demonstrating respect. Practicing active listening is also critical to building mutual influence. This requires engaging with curiosity and asking clarifying questions to ensure understanding, rather than focusing on defending your own position. By prioritizing the relationship over the need to be “right,” you create a space for meaningful dialogue and shared understanding.

Another key component of accepting influence is maintaining a positive perspective. Assuming your partner has good intentions, giving them the benefit of the doubt reinforces that you are on the same team. This positive outlook helps couples address challenges with unity and cooperation. Additionally, respecting your partner’s autonomy in decision-making empowers them and strengthens the relationship. Approaching decisions with mutual support—expressing trust in their judgment and offering encouragement—prevents imbalances of power and builds confidence in one another.

Navigating difficult conversations is essential to embracing this principle. Healthy communication requires self-awareness, active listening, and validation. Reflect on whether you are truly listening with an open mind or merely defending your position. Seek clarity by asking thoughtful questions, and affirm your partner’s feelings and opinions, even if you disagree. Flexibility is equally important; being open to compromise and ready to say “yes” as a gesture of goodwill demonstrates a commitment to the partnership. Ultimately, the goal is not to “win” an argument but to strengthen the relationship. Accepting influence is a commitment to mutual respect and shared goals, fostering a sense of equality and partnership that sustains long-term relational success.

Solve Your Solvable Problems 

All relationships will face challenges and obstacles. The key is to recognize and persist through these challenges to overcome them together, in order to bring us closer as a couple. To navigate these challenges effectively, it’s important to understand the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems.

Solvable problems are situational and can be resolved without much deeper meaning attached. A helpful way to assess whether a problem is solvable is to ask yourself, “With the passage of time, will this problem go away?” On the other hand, perpetual problems stem from fundamental differences in personalities, characteristics, or lifestyle needs between two individuals. These problems tend to recur over time, even if they’re about seemingly minor issues. A useful assessment tool here is to ask, “Do we keep revisiting this same issue over and over?” For example, untimeliness might be a solvable issue for one couple, but for another, it could reflect deeper differences in values or personality, making it a perpetual problem.

The first step when a problem arises is to identify what type of problem you’re facing. Then, you can use the appropriate tools to address the issue. For solvable problems, pause and ask yourself what resources or strategies you already have that could help you overcome the challenge. The information you have now is powerful, but it’s only helpful if you can learn to utilize it, especially in high emotional states. Hence, it is so important to develop and practice these skills, much like training for combat. The more you practice healthy patterns and teach the neurons in your brain to fire a reaction in a specific sequence, the easier it becomes to react this way when stress arises.

For managing conflict, consider tools like the Conflict Resolution Worksheet to guide your conversations productively. Again, by building these skills and creating pathways in your brain to take healthier, more constructive approaches, you can strengthen your ability to resolve challenges without letting them escalate. Remember, the goal is to use this knowledge to create a stronger foundation for your relationship, even during times of conflict.

Overcoming Gridlock

Dr. John Gottman reminds us, “Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations (The Gottman Institute, 2024).” We should keep striving to overcome challenges rather than lowering our dreams or settling for less. Almost all gridlocked conflicts stem from unfulfilled dreams. Even the most profound differences between you and your spouse should never stand in the way of accomplishing your goals. This is why accepting influence with respect is so important.

Many of us enter marriage with dreams—some of them shaped by “Hollywood fantasies” or by the blissful days of dating. As routine life settles in, those dreams can feel shattered. This is an example of how unmet expectations can create tension. Dr. Gottman says, “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage (The Gottman Institute, 2024).” Instead of brushing perpetual problems under the rug, the first step in overcoming gridlock is to foster open communication. This allows you and your partner to explore each other’s hopes, aspirations, and life goals, which ultimately strengthens your connection.

To deepen this dialogue, even when it means sitting with difficult emotions, you can take intentional steps to build stronger communication. Use this as an opportunity to grow closer. Try these four exercises with your partner to become each other’s closest supporters, both in your individual dreams and the dreams you share. By embracing these practices, you create a foundation for not only overcoming conflicts but also enriching your relationship in meaningful ways.

Overcoming Gridlock: Effective Communication

1. Become a “Dream Detective”

Explore your inner dreams that you may have buried beneath the gridlocked issue. Allow yourself to recognize how you feel and recognize that your wishes are not being addressed in your relationship right now.

2. Explain your position without criticism or blame.

Try to write it out when you’re feeling calm; Recognize the dreams that you each have within the conflict, and discover the deeper feelings and hopes below the superficial issue. Suspend judgment. Relax. Give each other time. Be curious, ask questions. Do not attempt to solve the problem immediately.

3. Soothe each other.

Gridlock is, by definition, stressful. Take a break when emotions are becoming too overwhelming. There’s no rush. According to Dr. Gottman, “if your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, you won’t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try (The Gottman Institute, 2024).” When you’re actively stressed out, the conversation will not be productive.

4. Accept that some problems are unsolvable

It is practically impossible to entirely resolve a gridlocked conflict immediately. The goal in conversation is to aim to remove “the hurt so the problem stops being a source of pain.” Aim for a temporary peace settlement: define your unmoving, core needs. define your areas of flexibility. Create a temporary compromise that honors both of your dreams.

Create Shared Meaning

Drs. John and Julie Gottman explain that “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together—a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be part of the family you have become” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999). A vital aspect of building a marriage that is deeply connected and fulfilling for both partners is to create shared meaning. A strong marital bond is strengthened when both partners work to create a vision that represents their collective identity.

The manifestation of shared meaning will vary based on the unique values and aspirations of each couple. For instance, establishing a home grounded in kindness can involve committing to acts of generosity and compassion, both within the family and toward others. Upholding shared spiritual or cultural values, such as integrating religious principles or other guiding beliefs, helps create a unified approach to life. Additionally, couples should respect each other’s individuality and find ways to appreciate and honor their differences. Collaborating on long-term goals, like fostering a strong and supportive family or contributing positively to the community, also reinforces the sense of shared meaning.

Aligning on goals and nurturing shared values contributes to a relationship that feels purposeful and meaningful. This shared sense of purpose can help couples navigate life’s challenges and transitions with resilience and mutual support.

Conclusion

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, founded on extensive research of successful couples, provide practical strategies for building a strong and enduring marriage, whether one is a newlywed or has been married for many years. By applying these principles—focusing on trust, commitment, emotional connection, respect, and shared meaning—couples can strengthen their bond, cultivate a lasting relationship, and create a fulfilling life together.

Resources

• Dating
• Gottman Method
• Life purpose and meaning
• Relationships