From Newlywed Spark to Lifelong Bond: The 3 Cs of Strong Relationships
We are romantic creatures. In passion, we experience aliveness. Without passion, we are a GPS with no destination. A sailboat with no sail. Directionless, adrift, lost. We exist, yet simultaneously absent.
The experience of passion in a new relationship, typically referred to as romance or the “Honeymoon” phase, is the thrilling activities and intense feelings related to connection and attachment with a potential partner and during the early stages of marriage. Hollywood would have us think that the early phases of courtship are the most interesting and meaningful. Some even limit the definition of romance as the period of courtship in the early phases of relationship.
But can romance last? For those who feel passion dim over time, what can be done to keep the spark alive?
Jonathan Haidt, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia explains that reduction in passion in romantic relationships is unavoidable. Experiencing high intensity throughout the entire relationship is "biologically impossible".
My experience is that in many wonderful relationships grow stronger over time. Strong, long-term relationships often include partners that maintain intimacy, continuously show affection to one another, and foster a nurturing relationship. Haidt describes two types of love, "romantic" and "companionate" love. Romantic being the early stages, passionate and strong. Companionate love is gradual and steady. It expands and multiplies exponentially, and when it works, is quite stimulating and fulfilling.
As enthusiasm subsides, what can be done to ensure relationship sustainability? What does it mean to focus on "companionate" love? How are companionate relationships fostered? Let me offer three ideas.
Communication
First, through communication, both verbal and non-verbal. Lavish displays of affection are great and have a purpose. Though a perhaps more meaningful path to intimacy and trust requires scale. Through moment after moment, day after day, slowly building friendship, warmth, and closeness.
Start by actively listening to your partner. Then ask questions. Give answers, thoughtfully. People evolve, there are surely novel and surprising things to learn about your partner. Feel appreciation in your heart, because they can tell. Then articulate the appreciation aloud and in deed.
Tell your partner what you need. Taking care of another is kindness. According to psychologist and author Dr. David Rosmarin, allowing someone to reciprocate and take care of you back is also a gift.
Include your partner in your life. (not necessarily everything, it is okay to have some privacy). Have some things for just the two of you. An inside joke or that gaze couples have whose meaning can fill Russian size novels.
Change
Second, romantic preservation requires change, or put another way, ongoing self-work. When romance begins, effort is made. The amount of effort expended is determinative to the romance intensity.
Start with staying attractive. I don't mean superficially. And I certainly don't mean work on hiding your wrinkles. (Some have told me that wrinkles demonstrate wisdom, overcoming challenges, and a life well lived, and they find them very attractive.) What makes one attractive, really? A great example is being humorous. If you don't think you're naturally funny, buy a joke book. Then practice the jokes, because humor requires confidence and timing. Another great way is to keep growing intellectually. Knowledge and wisdom are the path to developing a point of view, which will allow you to be interesting. You can engage in interesting discussions. That is attractive.
Growing together is part of this, as is the physical relationship. Peggy Kleinplatz who wrote the book on magnificent sex explains "the accumulation of knowledge over time and deep familiarity at every level is part of what makes sex magnificent." A theme of her interviewees is "it's going to take practice to produce that great symphonic concert" referring to idea that maturity and personal growth enhance the quality of the sexual experience.
Cheering
Finally, see the good in your partner and cheering them on. Cheering is a rock that grinds towards a better understanding and elevates your significant other in times of vulnerability, uncertainty, or angst. It is a continual engagement with your partner's evolution and quest towards fulfillment with love and life. This is not superficial, it requires genuineness. Value your partner and approach understanding their perspective and experience with curiosity. Talk about it, process it, understand and be compassionate to each other.
Apologize if helpful and then move on. Even if you disagree, you can still admire and respect in high regard. An acceptance of shortcomings is possible when you attend to the real person, in all their vulnerability.
Relationships are built and maintained by focusing on one day at a time. So never give up. When you communicate, work on yourself, and see the good, you're creating something.
Things change and for the better. A chrysalis transforms into a butterfly. It is a change yet the result is beautiful and magical. Romance isn't supposed to last. Not the Hollywood type. It is supposed to transform into something magical and more beautiful. Perhaps it is a deeply rooted connection that is more than passion can ever be.
Romance dazzles us, and the “honeymoon” phase has a purpose, yet what we really need and desire is to feel protected, wanted, safe, secure, needed, supported, and loved. Aptly described by Daniel Defo's description of a helpmate, as "an equal, a companion, a sharer of his thoughts, his observations, his joys, his purposes, his enterprises."
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