Dear Penina,
I’m struggling with a friendship that’s left me feeling trapped and anxious. My friend considers me her best friend, and I don’t feel the same way. I have a few other close friends that I really enjoy and appreciate, but this particular friend is draining me emotionally. I am a very busy working mom in the sandwich generation, and I don’t want drama or stress from a friend anymore. I just want support and vulnerability from friendships. Whenever I spend time with other friends or don’t include her in my plans, she becomes upset, distant or tries to guilt-trip me. She will ignore or make passive-aggressive comments rather than communicate. Her expectations are exhausting and make me feel guilty or afraid to spend time with others, because I’m worried about hurting her feelings. She also makes my other friends feel bad because of her possessiveness. I’m torn between maintaining the friendship and prioritizing my own feelings. How can I set boundaries without hurting her feelings? We have been friends longer than some of my closer friends and the last thing I want to do is hurt her. However, I know I can’t continue like this. I’m feeling overwhelmed and unsure about how to navigate this situation.
Sincerely,
Feeling Trapped
Dear Feeling Trapped,
I can feel the weight of your frustration and pain in this challenging friendship. We develop close friendships before we know a person well for a variety of reasons. This often leads to the types of situations that you are describing where we notice that a friend can be difficult, demanding, overly sensitive or not compatible when it is too late to backtrack the relationship. It’s like you’re caught in a relationship that’s not fun for you anymore. Yet if you try to pull away to a more comfortable friendship for you it would be very hurtful to the other person. I totally get why you’re feeling stuck—it’s hard to navigate situations like this, especially when you’re naturally inclined to people-please.
Let’s start with some coping skills that might help you feel less trapped.
- When you feel yourself getting triggered by her behavior, take a pause before reacting and try to regulate your emotions through a relaxation technique before you respond to her comment. You don’t have to always respond the way she wants or respond at all. Just because we have phones we don’t have to be there for everyone. Your first responsibility is you and your family. We can’t make everyone happy all the time.
- If she is demanding something or upset with you, ask yourself if her expectations are fair and reasonable before doing something that you don’t want to do.
- Practice saying “no” to others and “yes” to yourself, setting healthy boundaries that prioritize your own needs.
- Take some time to evaluate what you’re comfortable with in the friendship and what you’re not – and don’t let her behavior dictate your actions. Make some decisions about what you will and won’t do anymore. If you want her to feel good, think of ways you can spend time together that you both enjoy so you can fill her cup without draining yours. Show care through ways that work for you and hopefully she won’t demand more.
- Remember just because someone thinks something, that doesn’t make it true. If you believe in your boundaries and set them respectfully and she doesn’t approve, hopefully that will create some natural distance.
- I know this isn’t easy but it is something that most adults eventually will have to face and work on in certain relationships.
Now, let’s talk about some potential approaches you could take to change the relationship to something that works better for you. Without knowing you, your friend or the dynamic, I can’t tell you which approach works best; that’s something you need to determine for yourself. One option is having a direct and honest conversation with your friend about how you’re feeling. Being vulnerable with her rather than blaming should minimize conflict. Focus on how the dynamic is causing you hurt feelings rather than calling her out on her behavior. For example, “I feel very stressed when you act disappointed with me.” This approach takes a lot of courage, but it could lead to a deeper understanding and a healthier dynamic in your friendship.
Another option is to gradually create some space in the friendship. This might mean being less available or declining more invitations. Over time, this can help reset the dynamics of your relationship and reduce the intensity of her expectations. Just be aware that she might notice the change and feel confused or hurt without understanding why.
If those options feel too daunting, you could try maintaining the friendship while setting stronger personal boundaries. This means being clear about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not, and responding with kind firmness when she pushes back. With consistent boundary setting, your friend may naturally adjust her expectations.
I hope these suggestions help you find a path forward that feels more authentic and fulfilling for you.
Warmly,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003, and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community. Penina also contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. Penina can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.
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