Dear Penina,
We have been married for six years and have two young children. Given community and family norms, it is expected that we spend Pesach with our parents, the first days at one set and the second days at the other. Going away for Pesach and other Yamim Tovim puts a real stress on our marriage. Each of us is going to offer our perspective.
Chani: Whenever we’re at Steven’s parent’s home, he completely disappears into his family dynamic. He spends hours catching up with his brothers or helping his father while I sit alone, feeling like an outsider. It’s as if I cease to exist once we cross his parents’ threshold. It’s not just about feeling ignored. There’s also the discomfort of his sisters showing up in new designer clothes and jewelry for every holiday, while I wear the same outfits year after year. The combination of feeling invisible to my husband and inadequate compared to his family makes these visits truly painful for me.
Steven: I think Chani is exaggerating when she says that I completely disappear. I’m just trying to balance time with everyone. My family makes efforts to include Chani, but she doesn’t try to engage with them. And her complaints about the clothing and jewelry are very hurtful. She knows that I work hard and we’re saving for a house, so why does she have to bring up these issues?
Now, you might think that Yom Tov at my in-laws is easier. In truth, it’s even more stressful. Chani’s parents spend the whole Yom Tov bickering with each other. It is so uncomfortable. The only reprieve we get is when we go to shul, but it’s not much of a reprieve because my father- in-law insists on sitting in the “talker’s section” of shul. I am not sure how anyone can expect me to daven properly while sitting there.
Chani: This time I think Steven is exaggerating. Yes, my parents bicker, but I think it’s the usual banter that some couples have. It might not be what he saw in his parents’ house, but I think it’s something he can get used to.
Steven and Chani: Please help us out here! Any advice is appreciated.
Signed,
Can We Both Be Happy on the Same Yom Tov?
Dear “Can We Both Be Happy on the Same Yom Tov?”
Thanks for reaching out. Your conundrum is quite common, but that doesn’t make it any easier to navigate. It’s extremely difficult to feel caught in a situation where compromise seems impossible and one of you will inevitably be unhappy with your Yom Tov experience. I understand how hurtful it feels when your spouse seems displeased about spending Yom Tov with your family.
Since you’ve already decided to split Yom Tov between families, despite the stress this arrangement causes, I would like to offer some practical suggestions to make the experience more manageable and help you stay connected during this challenging time.
First, adjust your expectations when visiting your in-laws. Accept the aspects you won’t enjoy rather than hoping they’ll suddenly change. Anticipate that certain situations won’t be ideal, and identify specific triggers that bother you.
Second, develop new coping strategies to prevent these triggers from affecting your happiness. What are the coping strategies to work on?
Share your feelings with your spouse without attacking.
Express yourself in a more vulnerable way.
Practice listening to your spouse and validating his or her experience.
According to Sue Johnson (my mentor), the most effective way to regulate difficult emotions in a relationship is to share them and respond to them with emotional accessibility, responsiveness and engagement.
Third, make sure to spend time alone talking, playing a game or going for a walk, including checking in with the one who is at in-laws.
A common saying attributed to relationship expert John Gottman, emphasizing healthy conflict resolution, is: “In a good relationship, people get angry, but in a very different way. They see a problem a bit like a soccer ball. They kick it around. It’s ‘our problem.’”
If you share your problem and you get a good response, you feel lighter and supported. Working through issues effectively makes us feel loved and connected. Share struggles while acknowledging differences, and avoid comments that are hurtful or critical.
Here are some ways to express yourself:
Our families are very different….
I am not used to … it makes me uncomfortable and makes me want to withdraw.
When you… I feel disconnected and unimportant like you prefer spending time with your siblings.
I am sorry you feel sad that we can’t afford gifts. I wish I could buy you more things; I understand you want them.
These conflicts are quite common in relationships and if not dealt with sensitively and thoughtfully, they can lead to repeat painful cycles that become increasingly difficult to break. The same arguments resurface, the same buttons get pushed, and both people end up feeling misunderstood and disconnected. A little work and intention can go a long way to make someone feel more understood and connected — it doesn’t always require grand gestures or lengthy conversations. Sometimes just acknowledging your partner’s perspective or validating their feelings can create a bridge of understanding between you.
Relationships are reciprocal: if I feel cared for and appreciated, I will naturally be warmer and more responsive to my spouse’s needs. This creates a positive feedback loop where both people feel secure enough to be vulnerable and authentic with each other. It’s great that you are aware of these raw spots in your relationship and actively working through them rather than avoiding them or pretending they don’t exist. This self-awareness is the first crucial step toward healing and growth together.
Have a wonderful Yom Tov filled with meaningful connections, joyful moments and much-needed rest. Wishing you good health and the strength to continue this important emotional work!
Sincerely,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003, and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community. Penina also contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. Penina can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.
