Why Relationship Transitions Feel So Messy

Relational transitions strike at our core needs: to belong, to be seen, to feel safe. When those needs are up in the air—during a breakup, a shift in roles, or even a long-overdue conversation—we feel untethered. Welcome to the life of the living!

And when parenting enters the scene? Well, now you’re not only managing your own emotions, but also trying to support tiny humans who melt down over the wrong spoon color. No wonder your nervous system is lit up like a holiday tree.

So What Can We Do When the Ground Feels Wobbly?

1. Give yourself permission to grieve—even the good stuff.

   Transitioning out of a relationship, or into a new version of one (say, post-baby or post-therapy), involves loss. Loss of how things were. Even positive growth can feel like grief. That’s okay. You can miss what was and want something better.

2. Beware of ‘all or nothing’ thinking.
   “If this isn’t perfect, it’s doomed.” Sound familiar? Our anxious brains love absolutes. But most relational shifts aren’t black or white. They’re gray, messy, and full of trial and error. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it means you’re doing it thoughtfully.

3. Small steps build big change.
   You don’t need to figure out the whole relationship—or your whole parenting strategy—today. Start with one conversation. One boundary. One apology. One moment of kindness, even when you feel more like slamming a door than opening your heart.

4. Let go of the highlight reel.
   Other people’s relationships (and kids) look perfect from a distance. You don’t see their 3 a.m. arguments or the Goldfish crackers ground into the carpet. Don’t measure your messy middle against someone else’s polished snapshot.

5. Anchor in your values.
   When everything feels uncertain, ask: What kind of partner or parent do I want to be, even in hard moments? You won’t get it right all the time. But orienting to your values can help you act with intention instead of fear.

6. You’re allowed to ask for help.
   Therapy isn’t just for crisis—it’s for clarity, growth, and support. Whether you’re navigating a breakup, trying to reconnect with a partner, or figuring out who you are now that someone calls you “Mom” or “Dad” 400 times a day—support helps.

Recommended Reads for Your Journey

If you’re looking to dive deeper into relational growth, transition, or parenting with a bit more support, here are a few books I often recommend:

• For Relationship Shifts and Growth:

  • Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller – Understand your attachment style and how it impacts your relationships.

  • The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman – Practical tools backed by decades of research.

  • Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel – A thought-provoking look at intimacy, desire, and long-term connection.

• For Navigating Breakups or Heartbreak:

  • It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola – A validating (and humorous) take on moving on.

  • Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed – Heartfelt advice that feels like a warm hug and a gentle push forward.

• For Parenting Transitions:

  • The Whole-Brain Child by Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson – Science-backed tools for parenting with compassion.

  • Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel & Mary Hartzell – A guide to understanding your own past to parent more mindfully.

  • How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish – A classic, and still so good.

A Gentle Reminder:

This article is intended for informational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized mental health care. If you’re facing significant emotional distress or relationship challenges, consider speaking with a licensed therapist or counselor.

Relationships are living, breathing things. They shift. They grow. Sometimes they end. Sometimes they surprise us. And sometimes, we just need to sit on the kitchen floor with a cup of tea (or a toy dinosaur in our lap) and remind ourselves—we’re doing the best we can, one honest step at a time.

You don’t have to have it all figured out.

You just have to stay curious, stay kind, and keep showing up.