Becoming a parent turns your life upside down in a beautiful, chaotic, sleep-deprived way. You’re figuring out how to keep a tiny human alive, function on 2.5 hours of sleep at a time, and hopefully you have time to shower once in a while. Just when you think you’re getting the hang of it… the in-laws (or maybe your own parents) arrive. With food (hopefully). And opinions.
Whether it’s your mother-in-law explaining how your baby should be sleeping on their stomach (because “that’s how we did it and you turned out fine”) or your own parents insisting your toddler needs socks at all times (even in July), unsolicited advice can feel like a punch in the gut when you’re running on fumes.
Here’s the thing: most of this advice is well-intentioned. They care. They want to help. But their “help” sometimes feels more like a surprise performance review… of your parenting. And you didn’t ask for feedback.
So how do you keep the peace and keep your sanity? Let’s talk about boundaries, scripts, and ways to protect your parenting choices without burning family bridges—or hiding in the pantry with an emergency stash of chocolates.
1. Why This Happens (and No, You’re Not Crazy)
When a new baby arrives, it doesn’t just activate your parental instincts—it often lights up everyone else’s too. Grandparents can feel a strong urge to pass on their “wisdom,” sometimes forgetting that things have changed since 1987. (Spoiler alert: babies now sleep on their backs, and we don’t put whiskey on gums anymore. Usually.)
Their involvement is often rooted in love, nostalgia, and a deep desire to feel included and needed-useful. Unfortunately, what often feels “supportive” to them can feel invasive or even undermining to you.
Also, family roles don’t magically reset when you become a parent. If your mom was overbearing before, motherhood may have just given her a new reason to hover. If your in-laws were boundary-challenged pre-baby, a grandchild can open the floodgates.
The good news? You can set the tone for your family now. You’re not just raising a child—you’re also shaping the kind of parenting support system you need.
2. Practical Tips for Navigating the Chaos
a. Set Boundaries Early (and Repeatedly)
Boundaries are not mean. Boundaries are not rude. Boundaries are how you keep yourself sane and avoid boiling over during Thanksgiving dinner while someone critiques the manner in which you feed the baby.
Try saying:
- “I know, I remember you told me that, but the pediatricians are saying to try it this way and it has been working well!”
- “Yep, I hear you and I thought so too! But- this seems to be the best way for baby“
- Thank you for always looking out for (insert baby’s name);We’ll let you know if we need help.”
The more you affirm their efforts to help and be useful, the more they realize that they can back off because you will let them know when to insert their input.
Also:
Good ol’ fashioned ignoring (pretending like you didn’t hear MIL tell you about the draft in the room) can work wonders!
b. Use “We” Language (Even If It’s Just You Googling at 3 AM)
When communicating decisions, use “we” even if you were the one reading parenting forums while half-asleep and stress-eating mini muffins.
Example:
- “We’ve decided not to introduce solids until six months.”
- “We’re choosing to do sleep training this way.”
This reinforces that parenting choices are made as a team—and helps deflect the drama from falling entirely on one partner (especially if the “advice” is coming from their side of the family).
c. Pick Your Battles (and Save Your Energy)
Not everything needs to be a showdown. If Grandma wants to call it a “binky” instead of a pacifier, maybe that’s not the hill to die on. If she’s sneaking a spoonful of mashed potatoes before you’ve introduced solids? Different story.
Ask yourself:
- Is this annoying, or is this harmful?
- Is this about control, or is it genuinely interfering with our parenting?
Save your energy for the big stuff. (You’ll need it. Like, all of it.)
d. Redirection!
If a conversation is heading into unwanted advice territory, try a tactic most will respond to: redirection.
Example:
- “That’s interesting! By the way, do you want to hold the baby while I make coffee?”
- “Thanks for sharing! Have you seen how much she’s grown? Look at these rolls!”
It may not work every time, but it can sidestep a lot of unnecessary debates and give you a moment to breathe.
e. Support Your Partner (Even When It’s Their Mom)
There’s nothing quite like navigating your partner’s relationship with their parents after becoming parents yourselves. The key? Stay a united front.
Have behind-the-scenes conversations about what you both need and how you can support each other. Then back each other up—even if it means saying something uncomfortable to your own family.
Tagline to live by: “We deal with our own families.”
You’re in this together. Teamwork makes the dream work (or at least the baby nap occasionally).
3. When It’s Just Too Much
If the advice keeps coming despite boundaries, distractions, and polite scripts, it might be time for a more direct conversation.
Start from kindness, but be clear:
- “I know you care deeply, but the constant advice is making me feel second-guessed.”
- “We’re feeling overwhelmed, and we need some space to figure things out ourselves.”
It’s okay to create distance—physically or emotionally—if needed. Protecting your mental health and your new family’s dynamic matters more than avoiding awkwardness.
And remember: setting limits now creates space for healthier long-term relationships later.
4. Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone, and You’re Doing Just Fine
If you’ve felt overwhelmed, judged, or second-guessed, you’re not alone. So many new parents wrestle with the well-meaning-but-exhausting flood of advice from people who raised kids in a very different era (and sometimes with very different priorities).
You’re allowed to parent differently. You’re allowed to make mistakes. And you’re definitely allowed to say, “Thanks—but no thanks” when someone offers advice you didn’t ask for.
You’re the parent now.
You’ve got this.
(And if you ever need to hide in the bathroom and do some doom scrolling and pretend you’re pooping just to get five minutes alone—we fully support that too.)
Livingston,
New Jersey