Dear Penina,
I’m desperately seeking guidance. My wife and I have been married for four years. While dating, she was mostly easygoing, but since marriage, she’s become judgmental, entitled and critical, which takes a serious toll on our relationship.
The most painful issue is her relationship with my mother. Over minor disagreements and misunderstandings my wife has become completely inflexible, creating immense tension. When I try discussing it, she deflects and claims I don’t stand up for her against my mom.
We come from different backgrounds, and I believe her expectations of my mother are unrealistic. My wife refuses to forgive my mom for past mistakes. I was raised with strong values of kibud av va’em and feel her unwillingness to spend time with my parents is wrong. My parents are kind, giving people who have always been there for me.
We tried therapy, but my wife quit, believing the therapist sided with me. She insists my family and I are the problem. Now I rarely see my parents because it upsets her.
I genuinely believe my mom is right and my wife is overly sensitive. I’m so hurt that I’ve lost some love and respect for her. We have good times, but she won’t hear how she’s hurting me.
How can I address these issues and communicate effectively without escalating the situation?
Sincerely,
Unhappy in Marriage
Dear Unhappy in Marriage,
What you’re experiencing is deeply unsettling, and it’s understandable that you feel discouraged.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like you and your wife are caught in a negative cycle of interaction. You see her as critical and disrespectful, especially regarding your mother, and when you try to address it, she blames you. This isn’t just about the issues themselves; it’s about the emotional distance and misunderstanding that have grown between you. When you mention losing respect and love, it highlights how profoundly this cycle is impacting your connection.
Understanding the Cycle Of Disconnection
Let’s look at what lies beneath your wife’s “inflexibility” or “disrespect.” It might be her way of trying to protect herself or communicating an unmet need, even if it comes across in a harsh way. Similarly, your hurt, disappointment and feeling of disrespect are valid responses to feeling unheard and unvalued in the marriage. The conflict around your mother, while significant, is often a result of unmet attachment needs—in this case, very possibly—fears about not being prioritized, not being understood or not feeling emotionally safe in the relationship.
The Role of Family and Values
It’s clear that your close relationship with your mother and your strong value of kibud em are central to who you are. Your wife’s actions feel like an attack on these core values and relationships. Her refusal to acknowledge your perspective or compromise, especially concerning your family, will inevitably lead to you feeling unseen and unheard. The fact that she quit therapy and blamed you suggests she’s also feeling threatened or misunderstood, possibly in a way that makes her react by defending and withdrawing or shutting down.
Steps Towards Repair
While your wife is resistant to therapy, there are still steps you can consider.
Shift Your Approach to Communication: When you try to talk about these issues, you probably both quickly fall into a pattern of attack and defense? Instead of focusing on who is “right” or “wrong” or blaming her behavior, try to express your underlying feelings and needs. For example, instead of “You’re disrespectful to my mom,” try “When you’re unwilling to spend time with my parents, I feel deeply hurt because my connection with them is so important to me and it feels like a rejection of a part of who I am.” This is often called an “I” statement. The goal is not to win an argument, but to express your vulnerable emotions in a way that might invite her to respond differently.
Identify Your Cycle (and share it with her, to highlight how you are both hurting): Reflect on the specific sequence of events that usually leads to a fight. What do you do, what does she do, what do you each feel? Understanding this negative dance can give you insight into how you might change it and it can highlight that it’s not one person’s fault, rather that you are unintentionally hurting each other.
Individual Therapy for Yourself: Seeking individual therapy for yourself could be incredibly beneficial. Taking that step does not in any way validate your wife’s claim that you’re to blame for this situation. A therapist could help you process your emotions, understand your own role in the cycle, and develop new communication strategies. This isn’t about accepting blame, but about empowering yourself to respond to the situation more effectively, even if your wife isn’t currently willing to engage.
Acknowledge Her Underlying Needs (if you can): Even though her behavior is hurtful, can you imagine what she might be feeling or needing when she acts this way? Is it a need for security, feeling prioritized or something else? Trying to see the situation from her perspective just might open a small door. Be genuinely curious, not accusatory.
Your statement about losing love and respect is a critical alarm bell. It signifies that the emotional bond is weakening. The goal isn’t to force her to change, but to find a way to re-establish a sense of emotional safety and connection where both of you can express your needs and vulnerabilities without immediate defensiveness.
This is a profound challenge, but your desire to improve the relationship is a powerful starting point. Figure out what feels like the most immediate and manageable step for you to try right now and start with that. Hopefully, this will put you on a path to repair the bonds between you and your wife.
Boca Raton