Dear Penina,
I’m reaching out in desperation, hoping you can offer some guidance. My marriage feels like it’s floundering, and I constantly feel misunderstood by my husband. He’s become complacent, leaving me feeling alone, unprioritized and unheard.
Many of our arguments stem from fundamental disagreements about parenting and household cleanliness. For example, I want to set stricter limits on screen time for our children, but he doesn’t support me, calling my approach too restrictive. Yet, he expects the house to be immaculate and the children to be perfectly presented at all times, which I find unrealistic given our busy lives.
His reactions to my parenting choices further exacerbate our issues. He gets upset when I’m firm with the kids, and his passivity and low frustration tolerance leave me feeling unsupported. These conflicts often leave me isolated and despairing. To make matters worse, after our fights, he acts as if everything is fine, without apologizing or acknowledging my hurt. I’ve tried discussing this countless times, but nothing changes. Once the immediate conflict subsides, he assumes everything is resolved, while I’m left craving more closeness and connection. These unresolved conflicts weigh heavily on my heart and make me feel like he doesn’t care about my feelings or wishes.
Our priorities also seem to diverge significantly. He prioritizes a clean house and material possessions, while I prioritize our relationship and the emotional well-being of our children. This is particularly frustrating because we both work full-time, and I don’t think it’s fair that he expects me to maintain a spotless home while also managing the children’s schedules and activities. This imbalance frequently triggers conflict between us.
Despite these challenges, he is a good provider and a reliable partner when it comes to logistics. However, I feel like we’re drifting apart. If I don’t proactively plan our time together, we never spend time as a couple, which weakens the foundation of our relationship and makes our arguments even more painful. I don’t want to always be the one initiating apologies, dates, or conversations, because then I feel like he’s doing it out of obligation, not genuine desire. It often feels like we’re just going through the motions of marriage without any real connection.
Can you offer any advice on how to bridge this gap and reconnect with my husband?
Feeling Despair
Dear Feeling Despair,
I truly empathize with your situation. It sounds like you deeply desire a closer relationship with your husband, yet it feels out of reach because you’re not on the same page and your efforts haven’t yielded the results you’d hoped for.
Understanding the Core Conflicts
It’s common for couples to face conflict due to differing parenting styles, which can lead to significant pain and frustration. You both come from different backgrounds and likely have different priorities for your children. It’s understandable that one or both of you might feel hurt when your partner doesn’t align with your perspective or prioritize your needs. It’s especially challenging when you feel your life partner doesn’t share your fundamental parenting values.
You mentioned trying to talk to him many times. I wonder if these conversations have taken place in a calm, vulnerable way, allowing you to share your hurt without blame. Often, what we say during conflict doesn’t accurately convey the deeper feelings driving the disconnection. To have an effective discussion where both people feel heard and understood, it’s crucial to regulate your emotions and calm down beforehand.
Seeking External Support
In addition, I highly recommend exploring parenting therapy or a parenting course. These resources can provide invaluable tools and strategies to help you both get on the same page and develop a more unified approach.
If direct conversations and parenting resources still don’t bridge the gap, couples therapy is an excellent next step. Many couples greatly benefit from therapy at some point in their marriage. We all experience ups and downs, and a truly great marriage requires significant effort. Just like anything else we strive to excel at in life, a strong partnership demands hard work. Try to make daily time to spend together connecting without the distraction of phones, whether it’s eating dinner together or talking at night for a few minutes. When couples tell me they don’t have the time or money to prioritize their marriage, I ask, “Can you afford not to? Is anything truly more important?” Rav Moshe Weinberger tells a beautiful story about how when he was in college, he was upset about something and he called his father during the work day, and they spoke for 45 minutes. Later that night, his mom complained to him about his father closing his store to talk to him. When he went to apologize, his father said, “Moishy, what is the whole reason that I go to work? For you! I live for you.” It’s so true; we need to prioritize family.
Cultivating Love Rituals
If you want to nurture your marriage to keep it strong, I suggest finding your own love rituals. Dr. Bill Doherty, a renowned marriage expert, defines love rituals as positive interactions that are repeated and hold meaning for both partners. These rituals are all about connection. They send a clear message to your spouse: “I love you, and you are special to me.”
We need these daily rituals to stay connected and to feel important to our spouse. Without implementing regular rituals, it becomes easier to create distance, where you might talk less, touch less and feel more distant. Examples of rituals could be morning coffee together, a dedicated “Thursday night date” or a nightly walk. The key is to create something you both consistently do together that fosters connection and reminds you of your bond.
Discuss the importance of creating rituals with him. Don’t worry about who plans them. Since it comes more naturally to you, you may have to initiate. However, after you get into a healthy routine, explain why you long for him to initiate and what it would mean to you. He may eventually surprise you.
I hope these suggestions offer some helpful pathways for you and your husband. Remember, building a strong relationship is a continuous journey.
Boca Raton