Dear Penina,
I’m at my wit’s end with my husband and our adult children. We both have good jobs and should be looking forward to a nice retirement soon, but there’s a significant issue that we don’t see eye to eye on, and the unresolved fights are really starting to linger for me. I feel like he isn’t trying to understand my perspective and he seems to prioritize the kids over our unity, which leaves me feeling hurt and unheard.
Our children are 28 and 33. One is married with two children and both have good jobs and are fully capable of supporting themselves. Yet they frequently ask my husband to pay for luxury items or activities, and he always wants to say yes. He even offers to cover expenses on things that they don’t need but he thinks it’s important for them to have. I see it as fostering a sense of entitlement, but they likely think he’s fine with it because he consistently agrees and often offers.
We are both close with our children and very involved and supportive. I want to give to them, but not to this extent. We raised them to be independent and hardworking, and they are to a degree. They don’t need our regular financial help anymore. We’re happy to babysit, but I don’t think we should be regularly paying for their expenses.
He’s so involved in their lives that they call him multiple times a day for advice and he loves it. He wants to prevent them from making mistakes. On the other hand, I think it’s unhealthy. They need to make their own mistakes and learn to stand on their own two feet.
How can I convince him to say no and set some boundaries without causing a huge fight? I don’t want to be the “bad guy”; I want us to be on the same page with mutual respect.
Sincerely,
Misunderstood
Dear Misunderstood,
This is a tough situation, and your feelings of frustration are completely valid. It sounds like you and your husband have a fundamental disagreement that’s making you feel like you’re on opposite sides. It feels less like a healthy discussion and more like you’re both judging each other, which is incredibly difficult for a marriage.
The real issue here isn’t necessarily about the money or the kids’ maturity. It’s about a breakdown in communication and the fact that you both likely feel unheard and misunderstood. You probably feel that he is not on your page and is prioritizing the kids over you. From his perspective, he may feel that you are judging his relationship with his children.
The key is to shift the focus from who is right to understanding each other. You need to slow down the conversation. The goal should not be to correct him, but to understand his perspective and to help him understand yours.
Try to approach him not with a criticism of his actions, but with a vulnerable expression of your own feelings. Instead of saying, “You’re spoiling them,” you could say something like, “I’m worried about the kids’ future and their ability to stand on their own two feet, and I feel like we’re not a team in this.”
Before you dive into the specifics of money, start by telling him what you do love and the strengths in your marriage, including your shared devotion as parents. Then, explore your deeper feelings and fears that come up for you with this issue. How does his generosity make you feel? Does it make you feel less secure about your own retirement or less valued as his partner?
Have a discussion where you each share your spending priorities and the feelings related to them. Explore why his actions are important to him and the fears he might have about his children making mistakes. Similarly, explore why his actions hurt you so much and how they make you feel. Show him that you understand some of his reasons and validate his feelings even if you don’t agree with the outcome.
Finally, discuss other ways and ideas to strengthen your relationship at this stage of life while still being good parents. What does being good parents mean for both of you now that your children are adults? It’s not easy to change longstanding patterns, but this is a crucial conversation for the health of your relationship.
Boca Raton