Dear Penina,
I’m at my wit’s end. Every holiday season, my husband and I get into a huge fight about where to go. I want to spend all the holidays with my parents because our time there is short, but loving and calm. I would prefer to visit his parents for only a single Shabbos, but he insists on spending a full Yom Tov with them.
The problem is, his parents were very critical, reactive and emotionally unavailable when he was growing up. This trauma has affected him, and by extension, our marriage. We’ve done so much work to improve our relationship and my fear is that all of that progress will be lost if we go to his parents. I’m afraid we’ll both be stressed and disconnected.
My husband’s mother can be harsh and emotionally manipulative. If we don’t go for the holiday, she will guilt-trip him and talk about us to my husband’s aunts and grandmother, who will only hear her side and judge us. My husband says he wants to go because he’s afraid of “how it will look” to others, and he feels it’s “the right thing to do” for his parents. He also likes spending time with his siblings.
I don’t want my husband to be resentful of me, but I really don’t want to go to his family for Yom Tov. He doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important for me that we don’t go. What do we do? How do we find a solution that protects our relationship and still respects his family?
Sincerely,
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
This is a really tough and common dilemma this time of year. (I discussed this in this column before Pesach.) It’s because married couples often come from extremely different family emotional dynamics, and this can come to a head when visiting in-laws for the holidays. It is also very difficult to juggle our needs for our marriage with our needs for respecting the wishes of our parents, who in many cases are sensitive and hurt by these decisions. It’s especially rough because we can’t tell our parents why we prefer not to go to them.
When deciding if and when to go to a parent’s home that creates emotional issues for you, here are some strategies to work through this decision together and prevent this issue from creating conflict. First find a good time and place for a deep conversation. All couples have disagreements. The goal is to not let it turn into a fight and if it does, repair quickly and meaningfully, meaning don’t sweep it under the rug. Make sure that your spouse also feels understood and resolved. Let your husband know that you want to discuss something important. Let him know how much you appreciate the progress you made and your relationship. Let him know your fears about Yom Tov without any criticism. Ask him to share his feelings about Yom Tov at his parents. Weigh the pros and cons. Remember that the goal is for you to each feel understood, respected, heard and validated.
Next, you need to plan for success and manage expectations. Before the holiday, it is crucial to have a deep, vulnerable conversation where you both try to understand what you each need to make the experience easier. You can plan strategies together, such as going for walks or visiting friends or family in the area, or going with siblings who will make it better. It is important to evaluate the risks and benefits of going and come to a joint decision, whether that means going for a shorter time or not going at all. You can plan rituals to stay connected with each other, and you both need to be able to tell each other what you need from the other one to get through the holiday. If you decide not to go, try to minimize the damage by finding a reason to give his parents, even if it’s not the real one.
During the holiday, if you do decide to go, the most important thing is to have a united front. Understand and be there for each other, and check in with each other to validate feelings. If you can truly understand each other, and you both feel understood, supported and cared for, you can get through this, no matter what you decide. To help you cope, set healthy boundaries with his parents so that guilt-tripping does not work.
Boca Raton