Dear Penina,
I feel like I’m completely alone in my marriage. My wife is happy as long as I go to work and help her with everything, but she doesn’t ask to spend time together or greet me warmly. I do all of the initiating, and I’m completely burned out. I feel alone, ignored and rejected. I try to talk to her about it but she doesn’t like to talk about feelings. She gets annoyed and defensive, so I feel like she sees me as needy.
I know my wife had a harder childhood than I did, and I think that may be part of the reason she’s not as close with her family as I am with mine. She is a great wife and mom, and we love each other and are committed. We would do anything for each other if the other person had a clear need. But I’m not content just being co-parents who run a nice home. I want to feel special and loved. How do I bring this up again when it never goes well?
I can’t stay silent and unhappy forever. I long for a deeper connection and emotional intimacy. She doesn’t realize that her emotional distance makes me less loving and warm and open to her. She doesn’t think we need therapy because she believes therapy means something is wrong with us. I grew up in a more growth-oriented, therapy-positive home. I am at a loss; please help. I don’t want to leave her, God forbid, but I won’t be happy with the status quo, and she doesn’t get it because we’re not fighting, so she thinks all is well.
Sincerely,
A Lonely Husband
Dear Lonely Husband,
The scenario you are describing is actually quite common. I see this dynamic operating with couples who come to my office almost every day. We call it the “pursue-withdraw dynamic,” and it is the most common “dance” between partners.
The withdrawer is often conflict-avoidant, uncomfortable expressing needs and vulnerability, and feels content with the status quo, not always aware of the closeness he or she is missing out on. The pursuer is the one who asks for dates, asks for more closeness and complains about the disconnection. When the pursuer asks for more, the withdrawer often feels criticized, blamed or not good enough, and responds by becoming defensive, withdrawing further or playing the victim. This leaves the pursuer feeling dismissed and rejected.
I assume this dynamic resonates with you, and I hope it helps you understand what is going on. Now, we need to address how you can change this pattern. Ideally, you would go to a couples therapist. However, from your description of the situation, that doesn’t seem to be an option yet.
Here are some ways to approach your wife:
First, find a quiet, calm moment to share your feelings. Let her know that you have something difficult to bring up because you are afraid it will hurt her feelings, but reiterate that you aren’t upset or blaming anyone.
Second, share compliments about her strengths and the strengths in your marriage, and then explain how you feel when you feel disconnected.
Third, frame the problem as a “dance.” Explain that you are reflecting on a repetitive vicious cycle you’ve noticed of how your different personalities and backgrounds might be triggering and hurtful to both of you, as well as getting in the way of your feeling loved and connected to the woman you love most.
Fourth, share your feelings vulnerably. Calmly explain how you feel stuck, misunderstood or unimportant. Talk about love languages. Suggest ideas for what you can both do so that she doesn’t feel criticized and you don’t feel ignored. Explain how you have different love languages and needs. Perhaps you could both read and discuss Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages or Susan Johnson’s Hold Me Tight if she is open to it.
Change is not easy, but it is so important. By focusing on mutual understanding and communication, you can begin to build the kind of emotional intimacy you are longing for.
Boca Raton