Dear Penina,
I’m a divorced dad in my 60s, and my heart aches over the strained relationship I have with my adult children. When their mother and I divorced in their teens, it was anything but amicable. We focused all of our resources fighting about the kids and not paying too much attention to them in the process. The kids seem to blame all of that on me and as a result, my kids resisted spending time with me, and our relationship has been on-again, off-again ever since.
Now they’re grown and seem much closer to their mother and her new husband, which is incredibly painful to witness. I know I wasn’t a perfect father when they were young, and I have regrets about that. However, I have tried repeatedly to repair our relationship and to reconnect, but they remain distant and hesitant. It’s incredibly hurtful, and as I get older, the thought of not having a close bond with them weighs heavily on me.
How can I possibly mend these deep wounds and finally build the relationship I long for with my children?
Sincerely,
Heartbroken Dad
Dear Heartbroken Dad,
It takes immense courage to reach out and confront the pain that divorce can leave in its wake, especially when it involves your children. Please know that what you’re experiencing — the regret, the longing for connection, and the struggle to mend fractured relationships — is incredibly common and deeply human. For fathers, navigating that new landscape while trying to maintain a vital bond with their children can feel like walking through a minefield. The difficulties you’ve faced are real, and I commend you for seeking a path forward.
Before you can truly begin to repair, it’s crucial to step into your children’s shoes and genuinely consider how the divorce, and your actions during and after it, impacted them. Divorce is often experienced by children as a loss, a disruption of their world, and sometimes, a personal failure.
Think about the moments when you might not have “shown up” as consistently or when you weren’t as emotionally available as they needed. Were there missed events, broken promises, or times when your own pain or conflict with their mother overshadowed their needs? Did they feel caught in the middle, unheard or unsupported? It’s vital to acknowledge that children, especially years ago when societal understanding of divorce’s impact was less developed, often suffered in silence, internalizing the chaos and feeling responsible or abandoned. Understanding their specific hurt — not just generally, but the concrete ways your behavior contributed to it — is the cornerstone of a truly sincere apology. This is about empathy and accountability.
Once you have a clearer picture of their experience, you can craft an apology that truly resonates. This apology must come from a place of genuine care for them and their well-being, not from a desire to ease your own conscience or secure help in your later years. They need to feel that you are repairing because you love them and want to heal their pain, not just for your own sake.
Here’s a framework for such a letter, which you can adapt to your specific situation and relationship with each child:
My Dearest…
I’m writing this to you because there’s something important I need to say. Looking back at the time of the divorce and the years that followed, I can see now that I made mistakes. I wasn’t always the father you deserved, and I didn’t always show up for you in the ways I should have.
I deeply regret the times when I wasn’t there for your birthday, I let my anger get the better of me, I didn’t listen enough when you were struggling. I can only imagine how confusing, painful, or even scary those times must have been for you. You probably felt sad, angry and unimportant, and for that, I am truly sorry. My actions, or inactions, caused you pain, and for that, I take full responsibility. It was never your fault, and I wish I could go back and do things differently.
My greatest wish is to repair the hurt that has built up between us and to build a stronger, more honest relationship. I want to be there for you, to listen, to support you, and to be the father you can rely on.
I understand that trust needs to be rebuilt, and that takes time and effort from my side. To show you how serious I am about this, I would be willing to participate in family therapy with you or with a mediator or mentor of your choice, if you think that would help us talk through things and heal. I would, of course, cover all the costs. I am committed to doing whatever it takes.
I know this isn’t something that can be fixed overnight, and I will respect whatever pace you need for this process. I’ m ready to listen, truly listen, to anything you want to share, and I promise to be patient and understanding.
With all my love and hope for our future,
Love, Dad
Remember the healing process is deeply personal and often non-linear. Your children have likely carried this hurt for years, and it may not dissipate as quickly or smoothly as you hope. You cannot rush it, or it will backfire. Be prepared for resistance, anger, or even silence initially. Your consistent, patient, efforts to understand their pain will be the most powerful indicators of your sincerity.
While the past cannot be undone, a sincere apology, coupled with a genuine commitment to repair, is a powerful force for healing. Unless your children are dealing with significant pre-existing mental health challenges or other complex issues, this kind of heartfelt effort stands a very strong chance of opening the door to the reconciliation you seek.
Boca Raton