Dear Penina,
My heart is aching— Shabbat and the chagim are a constant source of pain because my husband and I are never invited to our son’s home, and they refuse to come to ours. Our son’s children genuinely love us, but we know the issue is our daughter-in-law, who simply can’t stand me and won’t even speak to me. The excuses they make are endless. I look at other families who regularly spend holidays with their children and the pain is excruciating. I know our faith teaches that nothing can happen without a decree from Above, so what’s the point of me crying or even asking my son why he won’t invite us? My husband refuses to confront them, saying they are adults who can make their own decisions. Should I just be mevater and let this go, or should I confront the situation, even if it means causing more friction? I am so worried that time is running out, and our grandchildren won’t have any memories of us. Please, Penina, how can I deal with ths painful rift?
Aching Mom
Dear Aching Mom,
It is deeply painful to feel cut off from your son and his family — to know they refuse to come to your home and that you receive no invitations to theirs. This kind of consistent distance often feels like profound disrespect, and it is a situation that should not be ignored. In fact, many people in this position are surprised to learn that their silence or acceptance of the behavior can sometimes reinforce the hurtful dynamic.
The time has come to take a measured, proactive step toward healing.
I recommend asking your son to meet with you one-on-one. When you do, approach the conversation not with defense or excuses, but with a loving heart and genuine curiosity. A sincere opening might sound like this: “We never see you and we miss you. We love you and truly want a relationship with your family. Please, let us know what we may have done to hurt you or your family. We are committed to working on this.”
This shifts the focus entirely from blaming them to understanding their pain. It is essential that you remain open and listen without defensiveness, or the conversation will stall before it has a chance to begin.
To move forward, you must be prepared to look at yourself. Every negative relationship cycle usually has parts contributed by both sides. Take time to examine your own relationships and personal history to see where you may have unintentionally offended your son or daughter-in-law.
Can you recall anything that you have done — however small or unintentional — that may have caused hurt? If so, be prepared to offer a heartfelt, comprehensive apology. According to experts like Dr. Susan Johnson, an effective apology is a commitment to understanding and change, not just a casual acknowledgement. It must include an expression of regret, acceptance of responsibility, an explanation of what happened, a promise to make amends and a vow to change the behavior in the future.
While you navigate the complexity of the adult child relationships, focus on the unconditional love of your grandchildren. Cherish and maximize whatever interactions you are currently able to have with them. If your daughter-in-law remains resistant to interacting, extend an invitation to your son to join you when you spend time with the children. Enjoy those moments; focus on that connection, as it is a vital lifeline to your family.
Ultimately, all you can do is be willing to apologize and change your own behavior to create a comfortable environment for them. You cannot change them or force them to forgive you. Unfortunately, you must accept what level of relationship they are willing to have, but you can always try the approach of understanding their needs, sensitivities and hurt first. I really hope that these ideas help you start some much needed healing for your family.
Boca Raton