Part of Me Wants To

What to do when you feel pulled in two directions

You know what you want to do. You've decided, more than once. And then you don't. Maybe it's a goal you care about, a hard conversation, or opening up about something that matters. When the moment comes, something pulls the other way and you stall.

It's easy to call that laziness or weakness. Usually it's something else: two parts of you want different things.

Not one voice, but several

In IFS (Internal Family Systems) we'd say one part is excited and ready to go. Another part is tired, or nervous, or wants to do it some other time. A third may be afraid of what happens if you try and it doesn't work out. Each one has a reason. When they all speak at once, you end up stuck in the middle.

Fighting the part that holds you back rarely works. It just digs in. What helps is stepping back far enough to hear each one.

Room for both

ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) adds something freeing: you don't have to wait for every part to agree. The hesitation can come along for the ride while you take a step toward what matters to you.

Try this: a seat at the table

1. Name the parts. "Part of me wants to ___. Part of me doesn't, because ___."
2. Ask each one, with curiosity: "What are you worried would happen?"
3. Thank them. Each part is trying to help in its own way.
4. Pick one small step the hesitant part can live with. Five minutes counts.

Then notice who chose that step. The calm, curious place you were speaking from is you, and it can lead.

If you stay stuck for a long stretch, or it starts affecting your sleep, work or relationships, it can really help to talk it through with someone.

Moishy Anderson, LMSW