How to answer the "what if" mind without arguing with it
One small unknown is often all it takes. Within seconds the mind has written the whole story: something went wrong, someone is upset, it's going to be bad. By the time the real answer arrives (usually far more ordinary), you may have already lived through the worst version several times.
That's the "what if" mind. It is very good at predicting, and not very good at being right.
A forecaster, not a fortune teller
It helps to see the worried voice as a part of you with a job. It scans ahead for danger so you won't be caught off guard. It isn't trying to torture you; it's trying to protect you. The trouble is that it speaks in certainties. Not "this might happen," but "this will happen."
Arguing back rarely works. "That won't happen" just invites "But what if it does?" And reassurance tends to feed the loop.
Unhooking instead of arguing
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers another way, called defusion: noticing a thought as a thought, rather than as a fact about the future. Psychologist Russ Harris, in The Happiness Trap, suggests a simple move: put "I'm having the thought that..." in front of the worry.
Try this: one line, before and after
Before: "They're angry with me."
After: "I'm noticing my mind predicting that they're angry with me."
Then add one gentle line for the part that's worried: "Thanks for looking out for me. I'll handle it if it happens."
The thought may stay, and that's okay. You're no longer inside the prediction. You're the one noticing it. From there you can choose what to do next: reply, take a walk, or get back to what's in front of you.
If the "what ifs" are taking up hours of your day, keeping you up at night, or getting in the way of work or the people around you, it can really help to talk it through with someone.
Moishy Anderson, LMSW
Brooklyn