I DO NOT Want To Revisit My Past!
“DrDeb, I had a happy childhood so there’s no need to waste time and money in therapy going back there!”
That’s one thing I’ll hear quite a bit.
Here’s another one: “My past was very painful. I don’t want to relive it, so no, I don’t want the kind of therapy that has to go back there.”
This one breaks my heart, of course. At least for the first excuse, the person doesn’t remember not having a happy childhood and that’s a blessing, right?
But in the second one, they’re living with the torment of remembering it every day.
So I have good news for both these people.
Point #1: If your reactions to people are not what you wish they were, then you did not have a happy childhood.
What you did have – and this is your genious – is you made the best of it.
But from the reactions alone, we can tell that something went wrong.
Meaning, there is no such thing as “a person’s brain chemistry is imbalanced and that’s why they react this way.”
Nope.
No such thing.
Behavior and feelings that are a-miss are caused by childhood reactions to situations no child should be in in the first place.
But children do the best they can coping with neglect, emotional (and other) abuse, sickness, and other trauma. So they develop protective devices that start to look like part of them because they needed to use them so often.
We can tell from these symptoms that the cause was some form of childhood trauma (big “T” or little “t”).
This means that the problem does lie in childhood and you coped as best you could, having fun, playing, doing sports, escaping, whatever you needed to do – but we need to go back there or the adult interactions that are troubling you will not change.
Point #2: The “going back there” part isn’t at all as painful as a person might think.
It’s kind of in the category of “a good cry.”
Yes, a person might cry, but we do not wish to retraumatize you.
Here’s how we avoid that:
- You have discovered, in the course of therapy, that you have a Self. That Self, call it your Soul, your higher energy, your Spirit, is separate from the agenda-driven protectors. It is wise, intuitive, has perspective, and is undamaged.
- You have gotten to know the protectors and your Self has won their trust.
This means that when we go back in time to childhood pain, it is your Self that’s in charge of this journey. Your protectors have consented to this exercise because they are giving your Self a chance to heal in this manner.
Why is this important?
Because having a Self lead the journey to childhood creates just enough emotional distance not to re-traumatize you, but it is still emotionally connected enough to accomplish healing.
Now your Self gets to meet
- Your suffering inner child (or children).
It is only your Self that has the capability of nurting, reassuring, validating, and listening to this inner child.
Just as a real child simply wants to be heard and understood, so too does the child (and children) inside of you. And that’s all you need to do.
Just as you might feel sad as the adult listening to your real child expressing the hurts they’ve received, so, too, you might shed a tear. Certainly you will feel empathy for your child. That’s all that’s required for this exercise to be healing.
Here’s why it’s a “good” cry: Because you’re finally, finally connecting to one of the most important parts of yourself – your hurt inner child.
Just as you wouldn’t want to leave your own child crying without comfort, so too, the child inside of you needs comfort.
(For those of you that are more scientifically bent, I can assure you researchers such as Daniel Siegel and many, many others have discovered brain locations and neural connections that correspond to these metaphorical parts of you.)
So what does this “going back there” feel like anyway?
*It feels like the pressure in the pressure cooker was released.
*It feels like you’re finally connected to all of you, so you feel whole.
*It feels like a discovery got made and now you can understand how you got to where you are.
*You feel lighter, happier, freer.
*You feel ready to connect with others in your life because that feeling of connection is so powerful and positive.
*You’re no longer ashamed to have vulnerable feelings; they feel good.
*Because you’re now comfortable with your vulnerability, your protectors – and the unwanted behavior some of them have – can go play; they aren’t needed for daily challenges.
And of course, that is the precise moment when we can bring a couple together for conjoint therapy. Both are ready now to talk, be open about their hurts and pains, and receive and hear each other – and finally, finally, to connect.
