Sibling Rivalry: The Survival Guide for the “Feral” and the Frustrated

Two Moms, Eleven Kids, and Real Talk on Sibling Fights

Malka Alweis and Tara | Home Sweet Homeschool Jan 14

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Hi, I’m Malka. I’m a mom to seven young kids ranging in age from baby to eleven. Six of my kids are currently in a local day school, and I have the privilege of being home with my seventh—something I haven’t been able to do since my oldest was a baby over a decade ago!

Back then, I was a baby myself in graduate school. I would literally bring baby MB with me to all my in-person classes. Then, I entered a decade of what I call “the Grind,” working my butt off to put my education to “good use.” Finally, I acknowledged the pull getting louder and louder to scale back, stay home, and allow my creative pursuits to see the light of day. I write from the heart about this journey in my article, Feminism, Fulfillment and Finding Success.

And I am Tara—originally a New Yorker who moved to the Southeast 15 years ago. My husband and I are a team of two as our families are in New York and Ohio.

When I was a kid, both of my parents worked and I wished my mom could be home with us. I always knew I wanted to be a mom and a teacher, so before I had children I taught in public schools. I never knew that once I became a mom, I would be a SAHM turned homeschool mom to my 4 kids aged 7 to 2.

Malka: I don’t know how she (Tara) does it, I bow down to homeschooling moms!

If you’re doing the math, we have ELEVEN kids aged eleven and under between us.

As much as we try to focus on the beautiful, life-affirming aspects of motherhood, we aren’t going to lie to you and shy away from the challenges. One major one? Sibling Rivalry. Our kids 100% fight, and we have to deal with it.

Tara: I reached out to Malka after reading many of her notes and articles. None of my friends have four kids like me, so I absolutely love learning from moms with even bigger families. Malka has so many practical ideas to make motherhood run smoother. I decided to see if she had ever written about sibling rivalry as it can be a big challenge for me—especially because I’m with mine almost 24/7!

Malka: When Tara reached out asking if I would collaborate on a piece about handling sibling fights, I was hesitant because my kids can definitely be a little nutso (even on a good day).

I recall walking to Synagogue one Sabbath a few years ago with my whole crew in tow—pushing a double stroller with a glider board attachment, plus one child using the basket as a makeshift seat, all while pushing up a huge hill.

Then, I saw another large family coming from the other direction. The father was walking in front and his five daughters (the oldest was only six!) were walking single file behind him. NO stroller. NO chaos. Walking over a mile with toddlers... how?!

I 100% need the stroller. My kids are borderline feral. Add a street, cars, no cellphone, and robust candy bags (a Synogauge essential) and it’s a lost cause. I looked at this family like they were another species.

Tara: My kids have fought over literally everything you can think of. Some recurring hits: who sits next to the youngest sister, who gets to sit on my lap first, or which rocking chair they get on the porch (despite them all being identical).

My favorite example of this—which I explain more in this post—is when my children fight over Matchbox cars despite having over 500 to choose from. 

Malka: But I figured, if this is something I struggle with, and Tara struggles with, we’re sure not every family is like that “ducks in a row” family I saw at Synagogue. Most of us are dealing with hair-pulling and kids literally sitting on each other’s faces.

So, you are in for a TREAT today with top-tier advice from two seasoned mamas. If it works for our kids, it can certainly work for yours!

As always, if you have tips, tricks, or words of encouragement, please drop them in the comments. It takes a village and we definitely don’t have all the answers.

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The Reality Check: Normalizing the Chaos

Before we dive in, if you’re looking for the magic solution to stop fights from ever happening, this article is NOT for you. Sibling fighting is normal and expected.

Malka: My husband comes from a small “perfect” family. When he witnessed our children’s first physically violent fight, he was deeply concerned that something was fundamentally wrong with them. Meanwhile, I grew up as 1 of 4 wild kids. We fought constantly—stealing clothes, pulling hair, and even leaving deep fingernail marks from epic pinching fights. And we all turned out very close and totally okay! (Although I do wish we had fought less, obviously).

Tara: One of my aunts loves to remind me that my brother and I (22 months apart) were constantly scratching each other’s faces. My mom says our fighting was the hardest part of motherhood for her. That being said, when my three brothers and I are all together now, it brings me great joy.

Your siblings will most likely be the longest relationship in your life. Parents pass on, and we don’t meet our spouses until later, but siblings are there from the very start.

Malka: However, even though they will turn out alright and it’s unlikely you have a Peter Wiggin (does anyone get that Ender’s Game reference?), the fighting can be overwhelming. It’s loud, frustrating, overstimulating, and sometimes embarrassing.

Tara: Conversely, it’s also a great way for children to learn how to deal with conflict outside of the home. Once you figure out ways to teach your kids how to deal with conflict and ensure they feel loved, it is manageable—we promise!

Here are some tools for your 2026 toolbox.

Part 1: Decreasing Dilemmas From the Start

While fighting is inevitable, there are ways to minimize the opportunities for fights to break out.

1. Shared Toys - If all toys, games, stuffies, and activities in your home are understood as communal, you automatically eliminate all fights surrounding “That’s MINE!” especially with a big family, shared toy ownership is a game-changer. This might sound impossible, but both of us (separately!) do this in our homes.

Malka: I write about what to do when new gifts enter the home here. Spoiler: The gift-receiver gets priority for a week, but after that, it’s fair game.

2. Teach Conflict Resolution (Before the Fight) - This requires developing a muscle in calm environments over time so they are equipped to solve their own squabbles when they arise.

Tara: Sometimes I ask the children in conflict to state what they want and a possible solution. They have to share their solutions and then agree on one.

Malka: I find the best place to have these “hypothetical” conversations is in the car. We discuss body safety, getting lost, and how to manage difficult situations like fighting with siblings!

3. Show Love & Avoid Comparison - Make sure everyone knows they are loved individually. Learn their love languages (The 5 Love Languages for Children by Gary Chapman is great) and compliment each child in private to avoid jealousy. Never compare them (”Why can’t you be more like your brother?”).

Malka: With seven children, 1:1 time is hard. We have “Special Time” where a different child gets to stay up 15 minutes later each night. It doesn’t mess up the schedule, but it allows for a bonding experience—reading, art, baking cookies, or a game. Small moments of connection (no phones, full attention) go a long way.

Tara: We do special time with our oldest, but I love Malka’s idea of rotating it!

4. Praise the Relationship - Malka: I am constantly employing the strategy of “fake it ‘til you make it.” I tell them over and over that they are each other’s best friends. When they say they’re bored, I redirect them to go find their best friend. When I see them being kind, I praise it excessively. This works for my preteens too—I praise them (without being patronizing) for including their siblings when friends are over.

5. Play Outside - When you don’t have the bandwidth to referee, get them out of the house. Inside toys often have specific pieces or preferred colors that cause fights. The more we play outside, the more the children naturally collaborate.

Malka: If I had a penny for every time I’ve contemplated throwing out every single toy and only allowing outside play and fort building... I’d be a billionaire by now.

6. Put the Kids on the “Same Team” - Tara: Competition is normal, but if they compete against a clock or Mom/Dad, it promotes teamwork. We made a “Bubblegum Machine” sticker chart—the goal was for the kids to notice siblings being kind. Once the chart was full, we took them to a park of their choice. A shared goal diminishes conflict.

7. Don’t Have Two of the Same Gender Back-to-Back - Malka: Okay, this is a joke (mostly), but I give it a 10/10 for accuracy. Having two children close in age of the same gender seems to be the magic ticket for competitiveness. My two oldest boys are back-to-back; they share friends, clothes, and interests, and they fight like nobody’s business. Each one needs the “last touch.”

A note on transparency: If you have twins or close-gap siblings and feel like general advice isn’t enough, I want to validate you. This year, my husband and I sought professional help specifically to navigate the dynamic between my two boys. There is some neurodivergence in that mix which complicates things. You aren’t alone if you notice something similar—having seven kids has actually helped me notice what is “typical” sibling stuff and what needs further attention.

Part 2: How to Handle the Squabbles

When the fight is already happening, here are some tools we grab.

• Handheld Timers: Even with 500 cars, sometimes everyone wants the same car. A visual timer (where the red color disappears as time goes down) gives them autonomy over turn-taking. Sand timers work great too.

• Remove the Item: If the timer fails and they can’t agree, the toy goes away. When they are ready to agree on a solution, they can have it back.

• Calm Down Chairs: We have two mini armchairs with a book basket between them. When kids are wild or fighting, they go to the chairs.

• Create a Divergence: It works for robbing banks in movies, and it works for kids. Instead of getting angry, get hilarious. Fake cry, act like a dinosaur, or start a pillow fight. A sudden, ridiculous distraction is often more effective than a lecture.

• Be a Coach Not a Referee: Referees solve problems for the players; coaches help players solve problems themselves. When a fight breaks out, resist the urge to dictate the solution. Step in to ensure safety, but then guide them to use the conflict resolution tools you’ve practiced. We want to raise players who can handle the game, not players who constantly look at the ref waiting for a call.

• The Forgiveness Tree: Tara: When my brother and I were in our 20s, we had an argument around Christmas. He gave me a note and asked me to meet by the “Forgiveness Tree” (aka the Christmas tree). We hugged and moved on. 20 years later, we still do that! Naturally, I sometimes make my kids meet at the Forgiveness Tree (any plant will do!).

Part 3: Protecting Your Peace

Motherhood is hard, and your children will have conflict. Rest assured, this is a learning experience. But you need to survive it, too.

Tara: My kids have daily quiet time so I can rejuvenate. When I’m overstimulated, I send everyone upstairs, outside, or have them grab a book. Peace restored.

Malka: It’s also okay to intentionally use screens or tools to grant yourself serenity. About a year ago, one of my children had a specific whiny pitch to his voice that felt like fingers on a chalkboard. I found myself responding with less patience than he deserved.

So, I bought Loop earplugs. I wore them subtly around the house. I could still hear everything, but it dampened the noise enough that I didn’t feel triggered.

As you continue through January, we hope you find these methods helpful. Your kids are going to fight, but they will also build thousands of amazing memories together. A little squabble here and there won’t change that. 

We had fun working together and would love to hear from YOU! Any tried and true methods you use for dealing with sibling rivalry?

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Malka & Tara