Understanding Dissociation in Children — from a Coach Who’s Been There
Dissociation is when a child mentally “flies away” to protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed, scared, or unsafe.
Sometimes I look into a child’s eyes and see…nobody home. They’re sitting right in front of me, maybe even nodding, but something in them has floated far, far away. If you’ve seen this in a child, you know how strange and tender it feels. As a coach—and as someone who truly gets it—I want to talk to you about something important: dissociation.
🌫 What Is Dissociation?
Dissociation is the brain’s clever way of saying, “This is too much. Let’s go somewhere safer.” When a child is overwhelmed—especially by things like trauma, big emotions, or fear—their brain kind of flips a switch and helps them “fly away” in their mind. It’s not something they choose, and it’s not something they’re even aware of. It just… happens.
It’s like an inner escape hatch. While that might sound helpful (and in many ways, it is—it’s the brain trying to protect), it can also leave a child confused, disconnected, and misunderstood.
✨ What Does It Look Like?
Here’s what I often see when a child is dissociating:
- A blank or faraway look in their eyes
- “Zoning out” in the middle of a sentence or activity
- Being super still—like a little statue
- Not reacting to sound or touch
- Using different voices or suddenly acting like a different “version” of themselves
- Forgetting things they just did or said
- Big mood shifts that seem to come out of nowhere
And here’s the thing: it’s not always dramatic. Sometimes it’s just a tiny drift away. Other times it’s like they’re on a whole different planet.
🧠 Why Does It Happen?
When a child’s world has been scary—maybe there was yelling, hitting, too many changes, or just too much to handle—their body remembers. Even if everything looks calm now, their brain might still be on high alert. A smell, a sound, a raised voice, even the dark can act like a time machine, sending them back to a scary moment.
Their brain goes, “Uh oh! We’ve been here before. Better disappear!”
And poof—off they go.
Sometimes, they’re not even reacting to something outside—it could be a flashback, an intrusive thought, or the voice of an old memory that brings everything flooding back. And their brain steps in to say, “Let’s not be here for this.”
🥰 A Personal Note…
I know this one deep in my bones. I was one of those kids. I remember how it felt to disappear when things got too loud or too sad. I didn’t have the words back then. Just this fuzzy, floaty feeling like I wasn’t really there. So when I see this in a child, I don’t just recognize it—I feel it.
This is why I care so deeply, and why I want to help parents and caregivers see it too.
👐 So, What Can You Do ?
Here’s the magic: you don’t need to fix it. You just need to be there. Be the safe one. Be the soft landing. Here’s how:
1.
Gently Bring Them Back
Sit beside them. Offer a soft blanket. Maybe a gentle tap or a warm whisper:
“Hey sweetheart, I wonder if you flew away just now. That’s okay. You’re safe now. I’m right here.”
Keep your tone soft and slow. No rush.
2. Name What Might Be Happening
Sometimes I say things like:
“Wow, that loud noise scared you. I wonder if it reminded you of something that used to feel really bad?”
Or:
“I saw your eyes drift off. That happens when we’re feeling too much inside, huh? It’s okay. I get it.”
Your goal isn’t to get it perfect—it’s just to show them you see them.
3.
Help Their Body Feel Safe
Try:
- Left-right tapping on their shoulders or knees
- Drinking through a straw
- Sucking on a lollipop
- Hugging a weighted pillow
- Rhythmic clapping or rocking
These help bring the brain back online and let the body know it’s safe.
4.
Talk About It Later (If They’re Ready)
You might draw it together. “What does it feel like when you go far away?”
Maybe they’ll say, “It’s like floating,” or “It’s dark and quiet.” That’s gold. That’s insight. That’s healing.
💖 Final Words from Me to You
If your child dissociates, they’re not broken. They’re not weird. They’re trying to survive the best way they know how. And guess what? You’re already helping by learning about this.
And if you, like me, were one of those kids too… be gentle with your own heart. We heal alongside our children. And sometimes, their journey brings healing to parts of us we forgot needed love too.
With so much heart,
Coach Chana 💕
