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This topic contains 25 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by Profile Photo Rachel Brezel Verified Pro 1 year ago.

  • Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)
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    OnAndonAnon

    I’ve come to this category a few times looking to see if someone has started a thread here. And I’ve obviously found none.

    Yet, I was hesitant to start one. I am not sure as to why, but the fact that I keep avoiding it means something.

    So for now, I’ll just start by saying that I am here and would love to hear from others that are here.

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    Fay Brezel

    Thank you for posting here. I’m sure there were others who felt a similar hesitance. Hopefully someone will connect shortly.

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    M24

    Hi , honestly I’m not really sure what to say so I guess, hi .

    And i get why your hesitant to start a thread or  at least I think I do.  Sometimes it’s hard to think about it, Becuase that means we’re  not ok, and we all just want to be fine and move on.  But divorce is really hard.  It hurts so much.  I remember asking my sister when that gut wrenching pain gnawing at my insides would stop; I rember that physical pit that just wouldn’t leave my stomach; I remember those endless tears in my car on the side of that road.  My divorce  was  the crashing of my  hopes and dreams (at least in my case.) It tore me apart,  but it was the best thing I ever did. Becuase yes it was the crashing of my hopes and dreams, but the truth is they crashed  way before i got divorced . Getting divorced gave  me the right to dream again.  Sometimes though, it does get really lonely.  For as many bad times as there where, there was still  some good times. There  was somone to call  when something good or bad happened. There was someone in your life,a spouse . Divorce does leave a void.  And that is  something i  really struggle with . But at least I/ we can dream.

    Again not sure what to say ,so Hi ????

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    Dr. Joanne Royer

    @m24 @onandonanon  love this thread! thanks so much OnAndonAnon for leaping in and starting it and for you M24 to share. From my perspective, the fact that you posted means you are ready to walk through discomfort. You may have been denying it but you aren’t now – that’s 90% of the work. How exciting to start practicing what you’d like to be feeling on the other side of discomfort! If you’d like, post some of those feelings and we can support you on the next step into them.  And M24, you said way more than “hi” and quite powerfully – thanks for that!

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    Dr. Joanne Royer

    Hello everyone, wanted to leave this here for you all, something I posted on my facebook page. unfortunately, I cannot insert the photo that I reference below. Here’s your challenge for the day!

    It’s Valentine’s Day and whether partnered up or not, once the card, or flowers or chocolates or romantic dinners or hopes that your Mr. or Ms. Right will be alongside you this time next year, the most important love you feel and give, is to and for yourself.

    Self-love conquers self-doubt. Hands down.

    Although we tend to celebrate those we love and care for today – partners, family, parents, friends, our children, maybe even co-workers, how will you choose to practice self-love today?

    Here’s what some of my coaching clients are choosing to think about themselves from a place of self-love:

    I love myself because I try hard every day to be my best Self.
    I love myself because I can.
    I love myself because at my core I am a really good person.
    I love myself because I am willing to learn from my mistakes.
    I love myself because I have a great sense of humor.
    I love myself because I am working hard at taking a small risk each day.
    I love myself because I am working on learning to be kinder to me!

    What will your thought be?

    Thank you for being a part of my circle. Today I especially want you all to know how much I value you, am thankful for you and love you all just the way you are – imperfectly perfect!

    Now go out there and make it a great day for yourself ~

    Until soon,
    Joanne

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    millerjb

    I was just reading this weeks “5-Point Friday” and it was requested that we post what makes us uncomfortable. Since it is Friday, the first thing that came to mind was always fishing for a Shabbos invitation on a weekly basis. It would be so nice to get an invite on a Wednesday or early enough on Thursday so you do not feel that an extra onion is be put into the soup for you as they are texting you, instead of VERY LATE THURSDAY or VERY EARLY ON FRIDAY or EVEN AS LATE AS CHATZOS. When I do get an invite in any situation may it sound sincere, not just checking off that chesed box for the day. Last but not least, actually acknowledge that I am there on Shabbos and not when I am half way out the door on Motzei Shabbos.

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    Banana

    Wow, really nice topic. Thank you @onandonanon for being so brave, @m24 for being so honest about the feeling of divorce, @drjoanne for your input on self love. Thank you @millerjb for sharing- I can feel your emotions. I’m trying to think what you can do to improve this situation. Is there a way you can find new places to eat (I think there’s a Jewish website that has Shabbos meals…). Also, are you bringing a nice gift for your host and something special (candy, nuts, books, magazines) for yourself so that you can treat yourself in private in your room? Is there a way you can call people in advance and schedule going to them a week or two in advance? I feel that once you are unhappy going (because you feel like you’re a Chesed case and weren’t invited properly) it begins a vicious cycle – your unhappiness comes out to the hosts and they in turn are uncomfortable around you… can we get some happy thoughts in your head while you’re there so you exude happiness?

    Lastly, I think you’d benefit from discussing this with a therapist as there are so many things at play being divorced and visiting others for Shabbos…

    Much Hatzlacha!

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    Dr. Joanne Royer

    @millerjb my apologies for getting to your post so late.

    I appreciate your words. It sounds as though you are working on creating a community for yourself to participate in Shabbos. I very much can relate to last-minute invitations and overtime it can perhaps have you thinking you are an afterthought to the one doing the last minute inviting.

    are these people that you know well? Meaning, would you be able to set a boundary for yourself, valuing yourself in not being a part of a last-minute invitation? What would it feel like if you were to experiment with one of these people (who may very well just be poor planners…they may think they are giving adequate notice to you!) asking them that you appreciate being a part of their Shabbos if they can please let you know by Noon that day (or morning – you decide). This will start putting you in a place of control after all your time is of value too! In the meantime, perhaps your community temple may have a list of others who are wanting to create a Shabbos community meal. After all, it just takes one other person to break Matzo with! You never know, word may get out and you will have to start a Shabbos dinner wait list!! Let us know, more than happy to talk you through this.

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    millerjb
    I am a single girl but I would assume that there are similar things which we go through in this area being that we do not have a spouse. As far as asking for invitations I am so burnt out of asking and that only makes me feel more vulnerable. As far as bringing things to where I go, I always bring things to the families I go to and for me I always bring a book to keep me busy.

    I am concerned about how I may come across to my hosts so I try to only go to places where I know that I can pull it off. Even if I only go to certain people on occasion.
    Thank you so much for responding.
    Have a great day
    millerjb
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    millerjb

    Thank you so much for responding. It is never too late. Ideas are always welcome.

    Yes I do know these people well. I feel when I put boundaries then the invitations stop coming all together because they are unable to conform to them. You have no idea how much I depend on these invitations. I need them more than you know.

    My neighborhood does not have a community meal and even if they did it would not be something that I would be interested in. Besides it not being something that I would be comfortable with I would feel that I have to pay to be accepted. That would make me even worse. I am not saying that I do not go to shabbatons and the like. Shabbatons are different since they are special occasions.

    Thank you again for your suggestions and advice and for the will to help me through this. It means more than you know.

    Have a great day

    millerjb

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    Dr. Joanne Royer

    We are here to support in any way we can. I am curious – would you be able to share a bit about what your thought is around being concerned how you may come across to your hosts?

    Whether you belong or not to your community Temple, would you be up for the challenge to take a small step and ask the office perhaps, if they know of other young women looking to build a community for Shabbos?  Who knows you can start the first Shabbos pot luck! You don’t have to do anything further than that but ask the question. How would that be for you? Keep posting, your posts and courage is likely helping to give power to someone reading and in a similar situation not yet able to post.

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    Dr. Joanne Royer

    What would you like to feel when you attend these gatherings, even though they may invite you with short notice? Sounds as though you are grateful for the invitation, no matter how last minute. What are some other feelings you would like to enter these gatherings feeling?

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    Chany

    Hey! Ugh i can hear the discomfort in this situation millerjb. I’m sorry but i can’t help but feel like this is just awful growing pains and if it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger. Have you heard about shabbat.com? I wonder if that can be a cool resource to find potential meals and maybe even a potential spouse. I know they are a huge network of people looking for and hosting shabbat meals. I would like you to take a moment and remember that things won’t always be like this. i know it feels like a forever kind of predicament but it doesn’t and most likely won’t be that way. I wonder if you have any friends you can plan a workaround to this situation with. What does your social network look like? No worries if its weak, that’s ok. Sometimes we isolate when we feel so yucky and needy and vulnerable. But maybe there’s that one friend you can reach out to and begin to build a plan around this issue with that will help the both of you in some way. Maybe it’s hosting a shabbat meal at your tiny cozy place (i made the tiny part up). Maybe its an adventure through shabbat.com together. Would love to hear your thoughts on this…

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    millerjb

    I never thought about it until my therapist brought it up to me. She suggested that I may come across cold, short, or something like that. I obviously am not able to see how people portray me because I am not them, but I do not feel that I come across in the ways that she suggested. I am human and therefore will feel bitter at times but I am the type of person who only shows my true feelings with people whom I feel extremely comfortable with. If anything I am always fighting to show how amazing everything is and how productive I am since that is how people measure success and fulfillment. Believe me it’s exhausting and I hate behaving in a way that I do not feel.

    As far as the pot luck it is not for me. My shul does not have things like is in any case and there are very few single girls where I live. So this would not be an option. Also Shabbos to me is being with a family at a Shabbos table. I am beyond the camp days in my life. Those were fun while they lasted but now in my adult life it does not speak to me.

    Thank you again for your suggestions and your support.

    millerjb

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    millerjb

    Dear Chany,

    Yes I know all about Shabbat.com. It is a great resource but it is not for me at this time. I am not able to travel right now and truthfully I am not interested in meeting new people in that way. BH my community has blossomed over the summer but all the people who have moved into the community are in my age bracket. I am just not comfortable going to them for meals if you know what I mean. Shabbos afternoon is fine but meals not quite.

    I can’t see how this will make me stronger if anything it is inviting me in becoming more isolated and desperate. I know that you cannot change people but I hope that my community will one day soon become more attuned to my needs so I do not have to keep feeling like this.

    My social life is not weak it’s just that the singles in my neighborhood are much younger then me and have their own families so this problem is not for them. The other few girls that do not have families to fall back on beet to the tune of their own drum and do not include me much. When they do it is an afterthought, they do not come through, or it is something that I am just not comfortable with. Also the neighborhood is more attuned to their needs and cater to them a lot more.

    Thank you so much for your kind words, advice and support. I really greatly appreciate it.

    Have a great day

    millerjb

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